A mind full of clutter

Today's been a little rough, I've got so much going on in my head it's gnawing at my focus and my soul.

I've got so much of feelings and thoughts that I need to pour out but I will never be able to express myself by talking, writing has always been my way. I think it's because humans always put me down and I started to keep things to myself or blog about it. The only reason I blog is because very few people know about my blog and read it...and I feel that even if the raw emotions I have inside inspire someone I would count it as a blessing.

It's hard to fight the subconscious mind, and the tricks it plays in your sleep.

I wish it was easier for me to talk to someone, but it just isn't. I used to be able to once upon a time. But zig zag ruined that and so did a bunch of friends who I trusted but they left me( to to sink in my own wrecked boat) 

But that's the past and I've been over it, and I haven't been able to trust people After not the way I did. 

I did for a short time trust someone, let's call him "Libra". Libra however didn't know what to make of what I had expressed at a mamak. The weird thing was it was the one time I actually felt like expressing...but I was shut down. Libra shut down. I guess zigzag and libra have that in common, being feelingless and not wanting to hear about problems and feeling that someone that they so call care about has. 

Too bad, cuz it's too late.

I'm too far in my cage to come out for anyone, not even for God himself. 

Sometimes to protect yourself you have to give up on people and mourn their loss no matter how much it hurts.

At home, my family complains that I'm so quiet and always to myself in my room doing my own thing. Sadly it has never occurred to them that silence speaks louder than words. Home is a place where I find my peace and where I can be myself. Yes I'm an extrovert as most people would say, but truth be told I'm actually an introvert & i love my ME time doing whatever makes me happy, whether it's sleep or watching TV series or listening to music. My room is my safe haven where I feel secure. In my past I've sacrificed my happiness again, and again and again for people I've loved. I've given the people I love everything I've had right down to the soul however I only got pain in return when at that time all I needed was support. So why I have MY ME time is cuz I've learnt to love myself more and to choose my happiness above all else to keep my sanity in check. Too bad no one understands but it's okay, I'm happy the way I am. Nothing can break me and I mean nothing. As they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And if my happiness makes me selfish then so be it. 

It's sad to say, while I'm sitting here typing this, I'm crying my eyes out. After getting my sister back from the darkness she was in I had to pretend like she's dead again. This time she left for good. All this emotional trauma is so annoying. Apparently I was never a good sister cuz I didn't help her stay in school. Kids who almost got expelled or suspended their parents paid of the school to keep them. At that time our family was practically going through a financial crisis and we couldn't. I asked her I was 16 myself trying to protect her and Rohit from the craziness of our parents always quarrelling how could I have financially helped. What did she expect? Me to sell myself and get money so she stays in school and gets whatever she wants. Apparently "Yes" she said. I was selfish to continue my education and "You got everything I wanted from everyone cuz you were the angel in the family." She said. Little does she know in her absence so much shit happened that I will always remember.

I've never ever once complained about all the pain I've felt to my family. I've sucked it up every single time and was always sacrificing my happiness for everyone else and was happy to do so. Not once did anyone ask me if I can take it all by myself. I solved everyone's problems but added problems to myself. 

After everything I still took her with open arms, I forgave her and wanted her to start over. But as they say old habits die hard. How drug addicts relapse, my sister did too. She relapsed to her old lifestyle after three months of being home and happy. 

She deflected everything she didn't want to feel on my family and I saying she hates us. Well she can keep hating us or herself cuz it's very clear that she can't admit to herself that she did wrong and until she doesn't and keeps blaming others she will never grow up. Acceptance is the key to growing.

I'm just feeling really alone in this time and I don't know to even talk about it. My eyes are practically stinging, I'm crying like as if someone died. Well yeah, my sister died a long time ago. The girl I knew that beautiful soul is no longer there. 

Bupi mama said to always keep our doors open for her for when she changes. I wanna say sorry Bupi mama but I don't know how to anymore cuz it really hurts. I literally have a chest pain now and I feel like I can't breathe. I just hope I don't black out like I used to when I used to get really angry or sad before or when my parents fought. 

I'm sitting here mourning and she's off to live her life on the streets with strangers she meets cuz she feels safer with them than she does with us. She blames my mother who sacrificed her whole damn life for us and I don't know any other woman who would do that. Not even my sister, she clearly chose herself over Everyone else.

It doesn't matter, I've got enough scars to know that scars heal. But this scars deeper than it seems. 

It's either I'll keep bleeding or I'll heal.  Either way, I've still lost another person I love.

Maybe I'm just cursed, I can't keep love? I can't keep people? Maybe I'm just meant to be alone? I don't know but whatever it is, clearly I am the problem.

Whatever dark forces are working against me are doing a good job, cuz I feel like I'm losing this battle and I have never felt this In a while....

Battles are always hard. No one knows who wins.

Under my skin

It's been a while since I've expressed how I feel :) mainly cuz I've gotten very good at keeping sadness to myself. 

After my last heartbreak it took me a long time to build myself up as well as build my wall out of titanium. I came to the point where even blogging became too open for me to express how I feel because I didn't want to be weak, because come on after everything I've been through in life...I'm anything but weak. This I know for a fact. And the only reason why I wouldn't share how I feel as much with people would be because it's the same song with a different beat and people get sick of the song and I realized that people don't understand and that's okay not everyone understands.

I've also lately been listening to people who are either going through a difficult time or people who are going through something similar to what I've been through. I try my best to be there for them or to help them in anyway because I know how it's like to not have anyone there for me. I know my best friends would not be happy that I'm saying that but what I mean is people are there just that they wouldn't understand the depth of the sadness or despair and that's not their fault. It's just not as easy to tell someone who hasn't felt that way about how I feel. That's all.

One thing I've also been is happy and content with myself and the people around me. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people who make me happy. People who actually care and not just want me around for the good times and chuck me Away during my bad times. But the past 2-3weeks I've been feeling pretty low, been sleeping a lot and getting out of bed is very hard for me. I constantly feel tired even after 14hours of sleep. I just hope I'm not getting back into some depression like the last time. I shouldn't though, friends are great, studies are going better than ever and I feel awesome inside.

I thought to myself it's probably cuz of my health, my menstruation problem is still there and my hormones are all over the place and I either get really emotional and end up tipsy texting or really irritable and shout or block the whole world out.

Being insane and sane is both a gift and a curse. Being the one people go to and unable to go to other in times of need is also a curse. It's not a choice anymore to be strong it's become the only thing I can do and be. I cannot be anything other than that. It's like being in warrior mode, always ready and always surviving. 

I get awfully worried about my brother a lot, I can't express how much. His mood is always so unstable and like a fuse you just never know when he starts arguing and then In a split second he becomes sad, depressed and sometimes suicidal. It's not easy at all, sometimes I just want to give up cuz it's really tiring. I'm emotionally exhausted sometimes but it's okay, it's part of life.

I've given up on questioning why does this happen to me? Or why my family has to go through so much? Or even complain to God about it. I don't complain anymore. 

Some problems don't have a solution hence I've equipped myself well enough to make it through.

Ofcourse I often crave to share some parts of my soul with another person of the opposite gender, but that's too is something I've given up on. Only because, no one would understand the responsibilities not would they take my baggage which I actually didn't think was much. Besides that, to love me for all my flaws and all my scars isn't something people can do. I don't blame them to be honest, I completely umderstand. 

But recently after a long time, I actually considered someone however the timing and circumstances are pretty messed up. The guy is confused, adorable and actually someone I've known for 5years now but there are barriers I can't cross with my feelings and because of that it will probably never happen.

The attraction was initially very physical or atleast I thought but now I'm starting to question myself on if  it's more than that and if it actually means anything or is it just an infatuation? Cuz I promised myself that after Zigzag I was never gonna open up to anyone the way I did with him. I will not lay my heart and my feelings the way I did with him. Because it bit me in the ass and broke me down nearly to an abyss of darkness. I cannot let another man do that to me ever again(unless the man proved himself worthy and wants me for all my broken pieces) 

So due to this promise I don't let myself feel as much, so I always have crushes on the boys with girlfriends or celebrities and stuff. I crush on people who I know I can never have or people I know I will never like more than just a crush. A one sided thing. But this surprisingly became kinda two sided however he is a confused man who doesn't open up about feelings as easy cuz he doesn't know how he feels anyways. Which is okay actually.

Heck I'm so confused that I decided to not think about it anymore. Let things just be as they are and move on with my life. Sad thing is, he's a friend and I don't wanna lose that friendship. 

When things with Zigzag ended the saddest thing was I lost my best friend, and I don't want that to happen with this. 

But then again, whatever happens will happen. I am not one to stop it.

Then again, who knew it was gonna be like this?

PS: I passed my driving computer test with a 50/50. Failed the parking test though but passed the road test and then finally passed the parking and now I have a driving licence :) hell yeah mofo's :) 

 

In the air, like I just don't care.

Suddenly, up in the air I feel so free. I can be myself, I can finally be me. Without a worry in my head and no sorrows to feel. Like a bird soaring high in the sky I feel. The air fresh as the morning dew on my face. I am finally at  ease like a thirsty horse who finally found a river to drink. Life plays funny games with us, sometimes it give pain but other times it gives pleasure. All I feel is wind in my hair and the cold air kissing my skin slowly giving me goosebumps. As I fly, I pass over the deep blue sea I feel alive. So beautiful this world is indeed, if only this beauty remained forever in reality. The clouds felt as soft as silk, like big cotton balls floating in  the baby blue sky. My mind had no thoughts, no worries, no sadness and no pain. My soul had no darkness as it was brightened by the sun rays. The sunshine shone on me and kept me warm. Felt like a warm blanket which cuddled me with love. Nature was calling me to be one with it, to embrace it with love. The demons somehow were not there and my soul, heart and mind felt like my own. I finally felt happy, so this is how it felt. I was finally free, flying high in the air with no worries. I did not know the taste of freedom was so sweet, like nectar collected for the queen bee. I was queen of my own life however short it would be. Holidays are just a quick getaway but reality will forever stay.  

Kintsukuroi

I know it's been a long time since I've actually updated my blog but that's only cuz 4th year was crazy and I'm now finally done. So on Sep 2nd I will officially be a 5th year student.

I wish I could actually say that this year was easy, but honestly it wasn't. Pain makes people stronger they say, it's true but it also leaves broken souls and lots of scars behind. For someone like me life has been testing me for the past 8 years or so and the tests have gotten harder each time. I sometimes wonder how did I survive til now? The only answer I have is because I don't want to be like every other person who gives up, I want to be the girl who despite all the shit made it in the real world.

It's been 8 months since I first lost my uncle and it still feels empty. But a lot of the times I feel like he is helping me or with me especially during times of difficulty. He's my guardian angel. I've been having a few dreams of him and he can walk in them and that is most important because watching my uncle for 2weeks suffering, unable to eat or drink, bedridden, confused and on morphine it has scarred me for life and everytime I see a patient in the ICU I think of my uncle. The last few days he had were honestly so hard on us all. In the end I'm glad atleast in my dreams he walks and talks and laughs. 

I've also been having menstruation issues. My uterus has a damn mind of its own. I am probably one of the few women who bleed continuously for 3-4weeks and am alive. Especially the last 2-3periods I've had. I am currently anaemic, was on iron and folic acid tablets the last time. Right now, it's the worst it has been, massive clots and it's kinda freaking me out. My previous gynaecologist always says it's stress, bla bla bla but I mean for the past 3yrs it's the same damn story. So I've decided to see another gynaecologist this week and hopefully it's just hormonal. It might be fibroids or polyps? I have no damn idea. Whatever it may be if I have to take damn hormone tablets I'm gonna be damn depressed. I mean hasn't life tortured me enough already? And I've started gymming again despite this current situation eventhough I'm breathless, dying or I feel like I'm gonna faint i continue to strive for my goal which is to use the elliptical machine and lose 400cals a day minimum! Gymming really does make me happy and less depressed. I've been having such crazy changes in mood from crying while watching shitty bollywood movies, to shouting at my mom and snapping at her which I usually never do. After I feel guilty and say sorry like a stupid girl. I also feel disgusted with myself, my face my body basically how I look. I couldn't look in the mirror for a while but since I started gymming and dancing daily I feel a little better. But overall if I start damn hormone pills I gotta burn 800cals a day cuz they make you gain weight and I cannot afford that. Wasting my youth on studying and stupid health and I don't look or feel good because of this. Ridiculous really! 

Well there is always good news, my brother finally agreed to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation because I felt he might have bipolar disorder. So atleast him going for an evaluation made my day really. The appointments tomorrow with Dr.Xavier who is the only dr. I would trust really. And he was an excellent lecturer when he was in mahsa! He honestly was so delighted and called me personally to ask me to make an appointment. Gives me hope in humans you know, cuz i don't believe in them anymore. I know a friend who once said she loves animals more because they're better than humans, she was right! 

I honestly have been so bored, I wanted to go explore KL on my own next week, by then hopefully my health is better after the appointment. I wanna capture the city life in pictures. I don't own a DSLR but my normal camera or my iPad will do. I just want a solo trip, yeah I know I've become quite an introvert. I just wanna find myself and do things to see the world in a different light, like a gypsy. I swear I absolutely love travelling. I just hope going by public transport I won't get harassed like I usually do. 

Another epic thing is I finally joined driving school. Ofcourse I would rather prefer not driving but my moms been on my back and I've got no choice. It's good also I guess. Due to Raya, the 6hr talk was postponed to 9th August and a week later is the computer test. World beware this rockstars gonna be driving! I know right, I of all people finally decided to learn driving. Dhiva and my mom made a bet I'll be 40 when I wanna learn and I'll prolly get some boyfriend to drive me around. So they lost the bet really. But truthfully speaking yes I would love to have a boyfriend drive me around, it helps with the bonding!

I've also been seeing a lot of my lovely friends lately and this lot is really what keeps me going. Lauren, Kumu, Dhiva, Suba, Cheryl, Michelle, Daim, Tharma, Harmin, Hari, Olive, Kath, Vengz, Rani, Rebecca! I don't know what I would do without these people who make me smile whenever we meet. I also wanna go to Lust atleast once this holiday, go watch a live band performance in one of those bars maybe rockafellas, oldschool bistro, wherever and I wanna catch my all time fave singer Bala at Waikiki's on Friday since he plays every Friday! Oh and sushi buffet with my people! 

My sister also came a few times and surprisingly she's matured. Thank god honestly I never thought this day would come but it did. She was much more calm and relaxed. Infact she helped me to calm down the other day when I was snapping at my mom. I was shocked but in a good way. Hopefully this positive change keeps getting better. She also sat for her O'levels and is waiting for her results :) I always feel all this is thanks to Bupi mama! He always had faith in her and told me to keep mine and always said she was made for big things In life. A lot of the things he mentioned before he passed and during the days I was there in his confusion state have actually come true. Weird I know.i guess when you're on your death bed you just know something's.

I believe no matter what life throws at you, you accept it with a smile and show the son of a B**** that you're gonna make the most of it and walk out alive. I mean come on, you're talking about me the girl who walked through hell and made it alive while cerebus watched in awe. So heck, whatever may come my way I'm ready to take it on. Seriously I've been at the lowest of the lows, left all alone with people who I thought were my friends people who I trusted, I've been hurt by a lover who I thought was my soulmate, I've lost parts of my family to the world as well as death and I've had a million problems with my body and yet I stand here. So really can anything put me down? Nah, I'm too vogue for that shit. 

As the Japanese believe the breakage and repair of an object become a part of its history, rather than something to disguise.

So I don't disguise my wounds or scars, I flaunt them with pride!

So let's just say, if you want to cross my path you better beware cuz not only do I bite, I fight for the right too! ;) 

Yin-Yang

(This picture is not drawn by me but was taken from Pinterest)

Those who know me well enough know that I'm a little old school. People prefer to read rappers like 50cent's books "get rich or die trying", books about weird sexual habits "50 shades of Gray" or some even prefer books written by video vixens on their sex lives with famous musicians. But I, I am a sucker for poetry..yeah you can call me a hopeless romantic, Shakespeare wannabe or whatever you feel but a good poem that touches the soul and kisses the heart makes me so happy. It's this amazing elevated feeling you get inside. It doesn't have to be a romantic poem, it could be a sad one, a one about rain, about people, about anything but if it's from the heart I know I'll love it.

So far, I've not had any guy write me a poem, but Ive had a hate rap written about me...my reaction to that? As a wise man once said hate and love are two sides of the same coin. Sometimes you hate someone because you love them and sometimes those you love make you hate them. So I would take the hate rap as a compliment, only cuz I'm a rockstar like that.

Why I'm talking about poetry is because when I was going to UK last year before my uncle passed, I was so upset, distraught and alone. And travelling alone really didn't help. I wanted to cry and wail throughout. I did for the first flight, because I was so scared to what I would see when I get to UK. But I had a transition at Dubai for 8hours. And at that lonely time, poetry was something that I had to keep me company and I wrote a poem which elevated that loneliness and I was comfortable and I had accepted the truth that sometimes no matter how much you love a person, it's not enough and you don't always end up with them. The point of that is to learn from the experience and be thankful that you actually experienced such a wonderful feeling like love because many people in a life time do not experience true love. Anyways fact of life, nothing lasts forever...not even life itself. So I wrote this on the 27/11/2013 at Dubai airport. I personally feel it's one of my fave pieces because a whole story is told and it elevated me from feeling the way I did before writing this. I call it,

"Yin-Yang"

Once there lived,

A lonely heartbroken man,

He had many hidden fears and worries,

From which he ran.

He pent up all his rage,

Within his soul,

Forever caged,

He kept his happiness and love.

He longed for the one,

Who would lift his weight,

And free him from,

His wicked fate.

One fine day,

As he observed,

He lay his eyes,

Upon this girl

She had a light,

In her eyes,

She had the key,

To lock the demons inside.

Her soul was pure,

She had no fear,

She was the cure,

She was finally here.

Her smile could erase,

All that pain,

Her love could cast,

The dark shadows away.

He built up his courage,

To tell her his fate,

She told him to hold on,

Because it still wasn't too late.

You will save yourself,

She said,

She gave him her light,

Without a doubt ahead.

They were happy together for sometime,

In their safe love haven,

Then came the darkness,

Bringing a bad omen,the deadly raven.

His fate caught him by surprise,

His darkness was free,

His soul was tortured from deep inside,

And this was clearly seen.

She cried tears of blood,

She mourned her loss,

While he didn't care about her anymore,

His love was lost.

She kept fighting,

To help save his soul,

But the shadows of the valley of death,

Had swallowed him whole.

He wasn't the man she once knew,

He hurt others and enjoyed seeing them in agony,

He abused and used,

She had lost the battle far too soon.

Their paths parted,

Where once they were the same,

He became cold-hearted,

While she gave up on the game.

She hasn't heard from him since,

She hopes he's happy,

Wherever he lives,

Or with whomever he's with.

Her soul was left tainted,

With all that pain,

She held on hard,

To not lose herself or go insane.

She had the power,

To destroy the world,

She had the magic,

To rule this earth.

But she knew,

What her purpose was,

She knew she had to hold on,

No matter what.

She built her strength,

With all her might,

She built her walls,

With diamonds & binded them with light.

There was no space,

For any more mistakes,

She could not bear,

Anymore darkness or hate.

Now she sits,

Like a queen on her throne,

Her soul has healed,

And once again her eyes shone.

She was now ready,

To take on this vicious world,

To eradicate the demons,

Feeding on innocent souls.

Never will she love again,

The way she did,

Never will she give her light,

So carelessly with such free will.

She has forgiven,

But can never forget,

She will not repeat history,

nor regret.

Stuck

( this picture is not mine, taken from one of my fave poets Christopher poindexter) 

Hello world, it's been a while! For starters I've been really busy with med school. Postings are getting shorter but with the same workload so it's been pretty hectic. I started gym for like three weeks and then stopped for a week cuz my periods got really heavy. I've been having my periods for 5weeks now and its going to the 6th week. It's crazy trust me, I've been emotional, I get tired so easily and my haemoglobin level dropped by 1.2. When I went for my full medical check up a month ago it was 11.2 but now it's 10. I'm so afraid that the anaemia symptoms are coming and if the symptoms become apparent I'll need to get blood transfusion. So I just started my iron and folic acid tablets.

My blood report also shows that I've got some infection cuz the white blood cell count is pretty high and nw I'm on antibiotics. I would go to th gynaecologist but I'm so sick of getting hormone pills which make me feel so shit about myself.

Frankly speaking, I don't care what anyone has to say about me. But when I start to look down on myself that's when I know that it's gonna get so shit if I continue the pills. I've had experience with them. Currently I look pale and sickly but hey, the iron pills should make my haemoglobin back to normal. I've only been wanting to sleep and I'm so damn exhausted right now.

Then my mom and I had an argument and I just didn't wanna speak to her. I don't ever complain about how sad or upset I feel about everything that has happened or is happening. I don't make myself the victim because I feel I am better than that. But when my mom does that and says things like "you don't know what I'm going through" or " I am sick of all this" and many other things she says. Just because I don't go on about how depressed I am. Because I am depressed but I'm fighting it as hard as I can. I wish I could push my mother to be similar but thanks to my asshole of a dad she is just stuck in being this depressed woman. Also the death of my uncle has really affected her. 

I miss my uncle a lot, last time when things didn't go well I would call him and discuss about stuff at home. He always had such positive things to say to me that would really give me the strength to go on. Now I try to live by his words and the memories he has left me with. I wish I could find someone like my uncle who would be a pillar for me.sadly everyone just takes me for granted, expects me to always be there for them and help them and motivate them but not one person ever motivates me. It's alright though...I'm used to being on my own these days. It's so much easier to deal with it,

Then my brother starts an argument with my mom since morning and as I was sleeping the whole time I could hear it and then I got tired of it. I went to stop it and then my brother starts arguing with me. So sick of all this shit I really want to run out.  I'm just so exhausted of dealing with everyone's issues. I mean seriously the baggage is getting heavy like really really heavy, and it's sad I can't even share it with anyone cuz I don't really trust anyone and also cuz I can't express how I feel in words. Hence I write and write hoping that one day someone who understand my music shall not just read my words but feel them.

I haven't been even able to sleep properly for the past 3-4weeks for some reason. I get crazyyyyy dreams about people in my past and that just isn't helping either. Had a dream that one of my friends who I don't talk to or rather she stopped talking to me cuz of something so damn petty....was pregnant and all alone and I randomly bumped into her outside my Subang condo with this Chinese dr. I knew. She was paying him for apt he abortion he did. Longggg storyyyy and I rather not just write it here. I woke up quite sad and upset.but hey, my night was already ruined.

Next is psychiatry posting and I don't know if I can actually go through it because I live with people with psychiatric issues and I myself might be depressed. How do I handle other people like that for 4weeks? 

I have no idea, but hopefully I don't give up on myself. Cuz somehow it seems easier to do so now that ever.

What is love?

We humans have a lot of needs and wants. But what we crave for most is love. Yes it's the big L word everyone is afraid of saying because of the weight it carries. I was thinking about the time when I fell in love...not just with a person but falling in love with music, people with amazing character, babies, photography or whatever. The feeling is like a mix of emotions that contradict each other.I always thought I couldn't describe it but today in the shower I had a epiphany...

To love is to want that person so much that the fear of having them makes you not want them anymore.

To love is to trust someone with all your insecurities, secrets and flaws knowing that one day that same person is going to hurt you and you may never talk again.

To love is to at first cage a bird to admire its beauty but then fall in love with its spirit and let it fly free knowing that you will never see it again.

To love is to hurt yourself for someone else because they matter more to you than your own happiness.

To love is to admit you love a person openly even if they dont treat you right and don't deserve your love.

To love is to want to pluck a flower because its so beautiful but let it stay there so it doesn't wither away before it's time.

To love is to be a mother to a child and do everything for them, eventhough the child may abandon her somewhere in the future.

To love is to get drenched in the rain, despite knowing you're probably going to get sick..because the feeling you get is worth getting sick for.

To love is to be a doctor and treat whoever comes to you regardless if  he is rapist, a pedophile or a murderer because at the end they're all human and it's the love to save mankind hoping that one day they will get salvation or redemption.

To love is to see a black man become the president of United States, which is a predominant white man country.

To love is to forgive those who hurt you because we are all humans and we all have a dark side but hoping that the light side will one day win and enlighten them.

To love is letting go of someone you can't live without because they can live without you.

To love is to hope that a Sinner may someday become a saint.

To love is to understand all good teachings of different religions and to love all people of different religion despite having different religious beliefs from them while the rest of the world fights over which one religion is the best.

To love is to not start a war for oil or money because you know innocent people are going to be the ones who suffer the most.

To love is to suddenly start cuddling your other half even though they don't expect you to because you never usually do when they tell you too.

To love is to always wish happiness for people you may no speak to anymore even though they did you wrong.

To love is to see a little beggar girl praying for poverty and hunger to end when instead she could be praying for herself to get rich.

To love is to be there for a person who has problems even though you're having problems that are bigger because you know they might lose themselves if you're not around.

To love is to dance til your feet hurt because the feeling you get from it is so amazing that you forget the pain.

To love is to live with happiness for a loved one who passed away because you know that if you didn't their soul wouldn't rest in peace.

To love is to thankful to God for the pain, the hurt and the experiences because even though it broke you..it still taught you to be stronger and made you a better person.

To love is to go hungry because you want to feed the last bit of food left to your daughter or son.

To love is to work hard to earn lots and lots of money but use it to help someone in need or to educate an orphan instead of buying yourself things you want not need.

To love is to look at the people you love with a smile, even though inside you're dying because you know if they saw tears in your eyes they would be in so much pain.

To love is to eat your favourite food and feel so happy that if you were to drop dead at that moment you wouldn't have any regrets.

To love is to see a little baby smile or laugh at you with his big beady eyes as you walk past the paediatric ward and all the stress you were feeling is forgotten.

To love is to write poetry as if your heart was on your sleeve and realise that pain brings about such creativity and ideas and is so inspriring.

To love is to want to go to the gym even if you're sick because you know you want to achieve fitness no matter what.

To love is to look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you may not be the most beautiful person in the world but you know you have a beautiful heart.

To love is to hang out with friends who make you laugh so hard that you feel so happy and peaceful inside that you could burst.

To love is to make a strangers day by buying him expensive food or drink when you know they can't afford it.

To love is to let go of someone you love because you know they aren't going to be happy if they're with you.

To love is to realise that the world is beautiful just like us humans, despite having a dark side.

To love is to realise it doesn't matter if the person you love is of the same sex,different sex, a transvestite, short, fat, dark, fair, Indian or Chinese...it's about how the person makes you feel.

To love is to cross the boundaries knowing that you might die doing so.

To love is to let go of all the pain and opening your arms to life.

To love is to stop defining love because it's infinite and it is a feeling that cannot be written or spoken in words...it is shown by actions :)

I realized love is a feeling we feel everyday, so many times that if we actually stopped for a minute from our hectic life and opened our eyes to see the beauty In life there would be so much more happiness in the world. I used to be someone who hated this world. But I've grown so much in the last year or so and I've learnt to love the little things in life. If I'm at the hospital and I see an adorable kid I play with him for a little while and I forget all my troubles and my day is made.

To everyone who is having a bad day or just feeling low. Coming from someone who has seen a lot at a young age, just smile cuz look at the amount of love you give and get. 

It will show you that life isn't so bad, Infact it's great.

I'm afraid to fall in love, but it'd something so beautiful that I probably can't help it.

So turn that frown into a smile and go paint the town red, after all it's the colour of love :)

"Whore"

                            (Picture is not taken by me and was taken from tumblr)

I'm just so so sad. Normally I wouldn't ever mention that while writing this my eyes are sore because I'm crying but the pain in my heart is much worse. It's like this ache that makes you feel like you are suffocating. I just want to die really. I cannot take this anymore. How much of pain and suffering can one person take? I've been bruised, beaten, cheated, heartbroken and betrayed. It's not easy being me, I may make it look like it's pretty cool but inside it's a tornado. It's like I'm a ship wreck which has lost hope to be found. I've picked myself up from being so lost and so defeated by life by my family, my sister and by the man I loved. It's all okay, really I sucked it up and got over it. Yes it healed slowly but fortunately it did, but having to come back to a house where I live with a brother who has some sort of mental disorder and needs psychiatric help is not easy.I don't know if I'm pacifying myself by saying he is mentally disturbed or if he is just the way he is. But what I see I'm sure he has something wrong with his brain system. 

I come home on weekends, just for my mom and brother knowing that they're alone and would like to see me. But every time I come home I regret. My brother has somehow set in his mind that besides his mother all women are whores and sluts. That women were made to be fucked and to please men. He looks down on me and every weekend or every second weekend he starts a random argument without a cause and calls me all kind of names, all kinds of things and tells me to go get fucked and everything dirty I possibly cannot even mention here. I get verbally abused so much that I've started to hate myself.

Why does my brother think of me in this way? Could it be because of what my sister has become? Could it be because of the girls he has been with and the ones who broke his heart? Could it be because my dad neglects him so much that he craves for a man to be in his life? Could it be because he lost my uncle the only father figure in his life? Or maybe he must have some depression and internal conflicts inside which he just can't handle? Whatever it is, it's messed him up so bad that he has lost himself into this darkness which can't leave him anymore. I still wonder, if he can be saved? I'm Almost giving up because I'm hurt so deeply that I won't deny that for the past few months since my mom left and til now I've become so disgusted with myself, I feel I'm not good enough, I feel like being alone all the time, I don't want to know people and I just cannot look in the mirror. If this is not depression, I don't know what it.

Back to the current situation. 

He called me a whore, a slut...and said how we women should respect him because it is what we do, it is because we are lower. He rather have a brother at least he could talk to him. I got so so so upset because all this while i would bloody give up my life, to ensure he stays happy. If it came to a point there was food for only one person, I would give him the food. He is my brother and I love him. It's by default because I took care of my siblings when the situation between my parents was chaotic back when I was only a 16 year old, I took on the role of a 25 or 30 year old. That experience aged me internally I won't deny that but it also made me love my siblings like my own children. 

I don't know if it was time or the age or just bad luck that as they grew, many things changed to become worse. I didn't expect that. Yeah teens are rebellious but this is just downright crazy.

I've seen my uncle and at his deathbed no matter how much he did for his brothers only his two sisters were there to take care of him. 

A note to all men, yes your brother may be your bro and you can talk about boy things but never forget that once he gets a woman or gets married you will be forgotten.and if his wife and you don't get along he would pick her...and small things like property and money could stop you from talking. While sisters no matter what will always be there even if her husband and you don't get along. Appreciate your sisters really, cuz you will not know their value til they're gone.

I don't know why but I realised over time, both my siblings filled themselves with so much hate, so so much of hate towards me...The one person who loved them more than herself. I partially blame my parents because they would always tell them to follow my example. As a child and til now I've always been the obedient child while the other two haven't been..and for my parents especially my mom it didn't make sense. So every time she would make it sound like I was the golden child and told them to be like me and all these comparisons between us could be the cause of all this.I really hate this really, 

I was always told what to do, how to be but as I grew I realised that I want to be me and I chose to be different and not like the rest of the world. I chose not to hide who I really am like the rest of the world I chose to be me.

Why it upset me when my brother called me a whore and a slut is because I can be irritating and I can be a bitch but one thing that I am not,have never been and I know I'll never be is a whore or a slut who fucks around because She can. Infact I'm completely opposite. I've never had sex because I believe it something I want to have with the person I am gonna get married to because it's my dignity and someone worthy and daring enough to want me forever deserves it. I am different and I'm a broken soul and for me to be loved by someone is pretty hard cuz no one likes burdens really. Because of this belief I've been thrown around, cheated on and dumped by someone I love. He may or may not have loved me but the fact I wasn't gonna give it up definitely added to the break up. But despite loving that boy like I loved my family, loved him more than myself (yes I'll call him boy cuz he isn't mature enough to be called a man) I didn't just give up my vagina like most women would have to keep a man.if he loved me for me and not what's between my legs he would have stayed.if I mattered yo him more than his needs he would have stayed. Cuz it's a principle I follow and I just couldn't. Why I'm sharing this is because if I can not be with the man I love because it demands my principle to be broken, I don't deserve to be called a whore or a slut by my own brother. There are very very by few women who would have done what I have. I know many friends who to keep a man have seduced him and have had sex with him and funnily enough it works. I mean no offence to men but blood only flows to one head and that too the one below. But I know some men who are different so I am not gonna generalise as women can also be pretty idiotic sometimes.

So whenever my brother of all people calls me these things and says all these vulgar words, I feel like what is the point of being who I am when no matter what my actions are I'll be called a whore because of my gender. Especially coming from someone I have lived with all my life, someone who knows me and my principles and someone who's opinion matter...my own brother. It sickens me really and the fact it comes with an attack of rage and this crazy look in his eyes. Sometimes I'm so scared to come home because I'm afraid he might kill me one day just out of the anger he holds within. But I love him and my mom too much to leave them alone. Blood is thicker than water hence it's a curse really. Love generally to me has always proven to be a curse.

If my own sister can tell me, you can't even keep a boyfriend and make me feel like shit. I have no words to say. 

But today I know why I can't keep a boyfriend, it's because I respect myself. It's because I believe if I am loved I should be loved for who I am not what they want me to be. And if I a keeper then waiting to have sex after marriage shldnt be such hard thing. I mean come on?

At the end of it all, fuck it I don't need a man. I never want To get married nor do I want to enslave myself to a commitment which requires me to break who I am and spread my legs.

Call me a whore, call me a slut...fuck call me whatever you want. Cuz in the end, it doesn't matter.

Because there isn't gonna be another me, ever. Not in a million years.

If having principles in today's world is called being a whore, so be it.

There goes the Fighter.

Here I lie in my sorrow,
Where I dwell in an empty tomorrow,
The journey for truth seems so steep,
I feel I've lost the chance of relief.

I fight for my soul,
Through the valley of darkness,
Where demons prey on my goal,
Where once you tread you leave heartless.

Where are the people who once claimed to love?
Where are they who seemed to be high above?
Have the Angels failed to see,
What earth has become & what it will be?

Time is of the essence,
Forgiveness shall not be granted til,
Free will shall roam,
And selfishness has finally become nil.


For darkness dwells in those who seek,
Those power hungry humans with greed,
Those who have enslaved love, hope and truth from thee,
Shall be chained til they see the light, mercilessly.

Wake up fools blinded by greed,
Don't you see those innocent eyes in need?
Can you not hear their cry for help?
How long can you ignore precious innocent bloodshed?

For I was a victim of darkness led,
By deadly soldiers who were bred from hell,
For now they've left me with scars to heal,
But also with powerful strength growing within me.

What does not kill you,
Only makes you stronger they said,
They forgot to mention that feelings will be dead,
The urge for a fighter to survive is all that will be left.

For now I am a fighter,
Who breaks the wrath of filth,
At heart a writer,
Who writes about truth without any guilt.

No one can prey on my torn soul,
For it is blessed somehow by the hand of God,
Hence I once again feel whole,
Even though I'm forever flawed.

I fight for the weak and enslaved spirits in need,
Regardless of their race,religion or creed,
I am the fighter of the light,
Stay away darkness, beware of my might.


An original by Chandni Kour Rai

NOTE: I know it may not be the best I've written and it may be not as good as any of you write but its from the heart and that is all that matters right?
I didn't plan to write it, I was just feeling very down and something inside me told me to grab a pencil and a paper and the words just flowed through my soul and into my hands and I just wrote and wrote.
Didn't want to share it at first, then I thought what the heck, might as well only like 10 people read my blog that too I am uncertain. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed letting it out of my soul.
You can say it is a reflection of my soul, but really do you want to see that reflection? My soul is tainted and full of complexity. You rather not walk down that path. Hence this little peak into a small part of my very large soul. :)

*picture is not mine or taken by me unless stated, it has been taken from google.

A letter beyond this world.

Dear Bupi mama,

Its Christmas today and somehow the excitement isn't how it usually is. I went out with Rohit and Suba for dinner and coffee at a place called Bangsar. The lights were very pretty. I've been feeling quite lonely and empty lately and I don't know how to describe it to you Bupi mama. I know you would tell me to put my chin up and that I'm a brave girl but lately it hasn't been feeling that way.

I'm just exhausted being brave for a while, I wish I could just let go and cry out and scream but I don't have anyone who I trust enough to do that with. I remember in Kashmir I was quite upset about something and i cried to you and you were so comforting. You told me that Chandni life has never been easy for anyone and that the fact that I had made it through my past was an amazing achievement. You told me if I made it through all that, I shouldn't let what people say get to me because they don't know my battle and what I've been through. You told me to ignore what they say and to just keep going and one day I would prove them wrong. I wish you were here to comfort me now cuz I'm all alone in my room crying my eyes out.

I was thinking about our Kashmir trip and how much priceless time I got to spend with you by being your right hand woman. I wish it was longer than two months. The things I learnt from you. I remember you wanted me to iron your slack pants and I had never ironed slacks in my life. Even without you using your hands because they couldn't move...with instructions you explained to me how I should do it and til today I iron slacks perfectly. You laughed at me and said that your husband will be a happy man and I remember saying I aint ironing for anyone else but you!

I also remember how you still remembered so much about medicine even though you had stopped practicing for a year or 2 years ever since your hands couldn't move. On the flight to Kashmir you thought me about anti-hypertensives, their mechanism of action and side effects. The types there were and explained to me how you remembered it in a very logical way. I was so awed by the way there was this twinkle in your eye when  you spoke about medicine and explained about diseases.

I miss those times, when I used to sleep next to you in Kashmir because at night when you needed to change your position you couldn't move your arms to the side. So i would help you move your arms once you turned your body and make sure there was a pillow between your arm and your body to ensure that the blood and lymphatic flow was good. It prevented your hands from swelling up the next day and being stiff. Sometimes when you couldn't fall back asleep you would tell me stories of your youth...about your first crush, about med school about the friends you had and what you did for innocent fun and entertainment. You made me wish I was born in your time, where love was innocent and pure.

I just really miss you mama, there are a million things I can write about here. Words are just not enough. I wish I could talk to you on the phone again, hear your voice. It really hurts to know that you're gone. But I know you're watching. Deep down inside I can feel you. I know you'll be sad that i'm crying and sad but I hope you know I can't help it. I just feel so lonely and I wish I hadn't left UK and spent more time with family through this rough period.

You thought me that no matter how rotten or mean siblings can be you love them because they are family. I miss my sister a lot too, though I never mention it to anyone or ever tell her. But I just cant talk to her because I'm afraid she is going to hurt me again. I tried but I just couldn't. I was thinking about how when she was a little girl and things were just perfect. Too bad perfection can never last forever. I miss that baby lil fatty Roshani of mine. I feel as if someone ripped her away from me forever you know mama, its like just painful. I'm sure you'll know a lot more about sibling love because you loved your siblings more than your life. I think i got that same trait as you but I wish I hadn't because it would hurt so much less than it does now.

I hope you're doing okay, I'm sure you met Beji and Baji after a long time. Must be nice meeting your parents after so many years. I'm sure you've been busy telling them about how you led your life and its details. Don't forget to tell Beji that my mom says I am a lot like her, I think of others more than myself. She said Beji was always like that too. How is the view of the world from where you are? I'm sure you can see me! I look into the sky somethings and find the brightest star that is flickering knowing that that is you. I know you're prolly a little upset with me cuz I'm crying and you're thinking stop because your injured eye is getting strained. Even on your death bed you kept asking if I got your eye medication. Yes I did mama, i brought back a whole years supply.

I met a lot of your friends this time to Bupi mama, Uncle Hamid, Uncle Rathod, Uncle Vashisht and so many others. I also read Uncle veeru's letter about how much he loves you and the book with all the messages from your patients. I am so proud honestly and my god you had so many admirers. I knew you were a lady killer mama but even men were so fond of you! I even met a patient of your 87 year old lady who has nothing but good things to say about you. Dr.Hanan also really really cared for you and spoke about the first time she met you in your OT room and you told her that this was YOUR OT and she should go find another one. Hahaha. You are too cute mama.

I feel much better now talking to you, honestly. I've just been trying hard not to think about it by putting my thoughts into work or music. But when I do think about you being gone forever, all that pain and sorrow just tumbles upon my head and I just break out crying. The good thing is I cry alone and can't cry infront of anyone! I look so ugly when I cry.

Anyways, I'm going to go to sleep. Got to go to a Christmas part tomorrow evening.

I miss you so much, If you're not too busy please do come in my dreams. I dreamt of you once briefly but I would love to talk to you in my dreams and give you a hug too!

Love you always Bupi mama,

Chandabee :)

PS: Since you love white lilies I hope you liked the picture :)

The woman & her mask.

I've always thought hiding how you really feel was such a hard thing to do. It was something that took a lot of effort something that required a lot of skill. But I was pretty wrong. When life brings you to times where you've been left alone without support by even people so near and dear to you...you learn to hide your feelings, you learn to never let anyone know the pain, the sadness, you keep wearing the mask...the mask that hides it all, The mask with a big smile!

There are times when I am really happy and the real me comes out. The me that teases, jokes, has deep talks and basically says as it is. But to those who I am not comfortable with(turns out that thats a longggg list) I just smile and act all normal.

My uncles passing has really brought this empty space inside of me. It feels as if I've lost something which I know I cannot find anymore. Its like this dark veil which has fallen on me. I can see through it but the vision isn't clear. I don't feel like eating, nor do I feel like sleeping sometime while at other times all I want to do is sleep, sleep my sorrows away. I just feel like staying at home in my room all by myself. I don't keep in touch with most of my friends unless they talk to me or whatsapp me. I don't know its just a real odd feeling. Like being sucked into a blackhole?

At Uni, I feel as if I am leading two lives. I often think of my uncle and all the times we had, but i never show it. I make jokes, I have normal conversations, I try to listen in class. I just put up my mask. While in my head and in my heart its different. Thank God for one thing, life has given me enough scars to give me the strength to hold back my tears. I cannot cry infront of people no matter how much I feel like it. I am so glad for this because a person from my past who I loved once told me never to tell him of my problems, nor my sadness and I never cried infront of him after I saw how he reacted. Since then, I can't cry infront of people, its really hard for me. I'm just so afraid to let my guard down, its always up.

It does get exhausting you know, putting up this mask. Can you imagine a clown who is forever funny? Yeah somewhat that way. The good part about all this is, I am broken but I know I can fix myself. I am still holding on to a certain light my uncle left. I just wish there were genuine people around.

On every turn, I see people with two sided ugly faces which is the last thing I want to see. I feel the fakeness, the darkness and that feeling that makes me wanna puke.

I cannot explain what a curse it is, to be born on a planet with a heart that cares too much. A heart that has been cursed to love and care unconditionally even towards people who only want to hurt me. This heart of mine has forever let me down. It has taught me the reality of people by making me cry tears of blood and losing my loved ones to either death or this vicious world. The curse i was born with was just my fate I guess. I tried changing the love and care I gave to others but til today I just can't. I've learnt to except that what I do for people is because I do it from the bottom of my heart. I don't expect anything in return and I also expect the worse from people. I don't want anything from them just as long as they are happy.

My uncle has thought me, that we should forgive others because holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiving sets you free.

So today I feel that I forgive all those who have hurt me and forgive everything and everyone including myself.

But I've got my guard up, as high as the damn wall of china! :) And it'll take a damn miracle for me to even remove one brick for the air to come in. Its the only choice I have to love unconditionally but yet keep my walls high and mighty strong.

As my aged soul is tired and my heart worn out. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve any longer and i don;t think I ever will until i find the right person or people I can be myself with.

Life is such I guess. You win some, you lose some. Life has taught me many lessons and one of them is never to show my vulnerability to the world. For all it wants is to see me fall. So hide my feelings behind a mask and use my mind to navigate me.

So you tell me, do you wear a mask?

* the pictures are not mine or taken by me unless stated.

To Lose a Loved One.

On Saturday, 14th of Dec I got the call. The call that broke my heart into pieces. Nimer called me and I was sleeping. So half asleep I picked up and she was crying on the other end. Then when the words came out of her mouth, I didn't believe it. I kept thinking I'm dreaming and I'm going to wake up. Wake up already, Chand..I kept telling myself. But after 15mins of the conversation with Nimer, tears started falling from my eyes. I said goodbye and then I sat there on my bed wailing and crying. I kept crying until I couldn't breathe. My poor brother when I told him the news was equally sad. He hugged me for a bit and I sat with him for 30minutes or so and then asked him if I could be alone. I've never felt so sad, I've never felt this feeling where a part of my heart is suddenly empty. The thought of not being able to see Bupi mama or talk to him anymore made me feel so sad. From 4pm til 11pm all I did was cry and stop cry and stop. I couldn't help myself. I didn't want to cry, cuz I know he would keep telling me to smile..But the tears just kept coming. They just kept on coming. He was finally gone, he is finally in peace. He had passed away.

The whole of yesterday, I tried to write something to help me express some of my feelings, but I just couldn't. I was supposed to do so many assignments but I again couldn't. the thought that I was there 2 days before and it didn't happen, made me feel so horrible. I felt so upset that the lecturer didn't give me an extension. Then again somethings are just meant to be I guess, maybe he thought it would be better if I wasn't there to witness it..that I'd be better off not seeing. I can't go to his funeral either, but I hope he understands that its the only place I'd like to be at.

I know many people do not know why I am so upset that my uncle passed away. I know that people don't get how come I'm so close to him when he is all the way in the UK.

For starters not many people know that I was once a broken child with no hope and this wonderful man is the man behind me...he made me the strong woman I am today. He inspired me to be the best I can be. I may not look it but I've been through a lot of hard times where I wanted to end my life. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't the kinda gal who would do that for a petty reason or for a boy..please I'm much more than that. I had a rough late teens where my parents weren't exactly on the best terms and the one place I felt at home wasn't at all home. It was the one place I didn't want to be. Many things happened and my siblings were affects each went down different paths. My brother I feel got messed up internally and he needs some psychiatric help, while my sister went madly wild and rebellious and basically does what she feels regardless of it being right or wrong. At one point of my life I felt all alone, without siblings without parents and that is when this amazing person picked me up and helped me. Emotionally he strengthened me, he said that I was his daughter and he told his children that too. I was his favourite niece he said I was filled with love, a kind of warmth many people did not have. I didn't understand that back in the day but as I grew older I understood what he meant.

I wasn't supposed to do medicine, I wasn't supposed to fulfil my dreams. Medicine has been a passion for me since I was 3. Ofcourse my uncle, dad and cousins were an influence BUT as I grew up I realised the beauty of it. I realised that helping people in any way satisfied me and being a doctor would too. I learn't to love the profession and currently its the only thing that is going good in my life. When the whole world was against my dreams and told me to change what I want to do because of financial, emotional and other reasons my uncle was the only one who kept on supporting me. He said he knows that I would make an excellent doctor. He said he was a light in me and that was the kind of light doctors today needed and lacked. After a 9 month depression phase where I lost 20kg's from gymming like crazy and quitting most of the food I loved, I joined foundation and after a year with a 3.9CGPA I got into medicine :) All thanks to him. He emotionally and then financially decided to pay for my education.

He was a wonderful brother and son. When my grandmother( mom's mother) was undergoing chemo for her ovarian cancer which was at its last stage(had spread to her abdomen) he never gave up on her. Eventhough as a doctor he knew that it was too late, he still did chemo and til the day she passed, he gave her IV fluid. He was the best man I've met til date and he has been more honest to me than my own father. I cannot express in words how much that means to me. 

He was the best father, he loved his children more than anything in this world. He played cricket and football with his son and was most caring father to his daughter. He attended every concert and every cricket game Rohan played. He was active in their lives and they were so lucky to have him as a father. He was strict but only cause he wanted to help them learn from their mistakes but when he showed love he went all. I never got that from my father..my father never came for anything of mine. He was too busy working and had no time. Bupi mama, made time for his children and his family. He was a Gem and there will not be another born like him. He was honestly one in a million. 

Did I mention he was the best husband? He followed his wife to shop for the house when they had just moved in. He helped pick everything from the colour theme, to the cutlery, to the carpets. You name it he was there with his wife. He helped her whenever he could with the children. Infact he often gave them showers, he dressed his children up, he took care of them like no other. He helped them do their homework he taught them maths. He even took his wife out shopping for new clothes whenever he felt like. He was a complete package and the sad thing is he didn't get to live long. It really is such a pity.

I went to UK for 2 weeks and I was shocked. I did not expect him to be in the state that he was. I've been through a lot but what I saw in these 2 weeks was above all my pain and sorrow. It was an entirely different ball game. On the day I arrived, he was pretty concious and could speak with a few pauses and deep breaths inbetween as he got tired easily. He raised his eyebrows and said Ohhh Chandni. Thank you for coming my dear..I've been waiting for you. He told me about the stethescope he had gotten with my name engraved in it "Dr.Chandni Rai" The minute I saw him, I burst into tears and him being the great person he kept saying come on my dear, smile! I told you no crying, I am fine I am plodding along. I am not scared i told you. 

I then told him, how I am so angry with God and I refuse to believe he exists. He told me chandni, if God didn;t exist how could I keep seeing my parents talking to me in my dreams and accompanying me throughout the rough times..I know he exists and he may have made a mistake so forgive him he said. I told my uncle that when he does go up, to give a big punch to God from my side. He laughed a little and said don;t worry I'm going to beat him up and I'll surely give a blow to him from you. He said he shall ask God why did he have to suffer life this..why?

My uncle had Motor Neuron Disease. The cause is unknown but is said to be genetic(though no one in our family has had this before) and there is no cure. The person's neurons start dying and hence muscles can't be controlled causing the person not to move. The muscles inturn start dying and at the end the person becomes a complete vegetable, unable to move, unable to cough out phlegm, unable to breathe, unable to eat and unable to talk. He had suffered so much. The human body is made up of muscles everywhere not only externally but there is muscle in the internal organs also which help them to contract. The worst possible disease to have. He just lay there, unable to move. My aunt and mom turned him around every 1.5hrs to prevent bed sores and he hated the ripple air matress which made him feel uncomfortable. He had done a peg operation where they gave him this milky fluid which had the calories he required for the day..however it didn;t suit him as he developed diarrhoea and constipation alternatively. He got weaker.

SO then he decided he had enough..He asked the doctor not to give him any food or water anymore. He asked for morphine as the pain was getting worse due to the stiffness of the joints and lying down all the time. He was practically a bag of bones. I never in a million years thought that a man as good as him would die such a horrible death where his body gave way completely. He wanted to die in his sleep, hence the morphine. He didn't want to choke and die because his respiratory muscles gave way. He felt that wasn't a noble death. 

So I only got to speak to him for 2 days after I arrived and then he was in a deep sleep. The doctor had given him til wednesday but he survived even til after I left. He was a strong man, with no comorbid illnesses at 65 and he was as fit as ever. The doctor had not seen anything like this. He survived without food and water for 1month or more. He had then after 5days gone into a coma..where he would respond by either raising his eyebrows or squinting his eyes. before the coma stage he was very aggravated and forgot that he couldn't walk or eat or drink. He kept asking for food, water, coke(which he hated when he was normal, never took all these unhealthy drinks) and tea. We used to just wet his mouth with these so he could taste them. He argued with us about wanting to walk and sit outside and asked us to take him out of here.He hates this place. This was all after the morphine and midazolam started. This was the hardest time as to say no and explain to him was so hard. To deny him food and water was horrible. God was truly unkind as he blinded himself when he was needed most. 

Soon after he would rarely wake up or even move his eyebrows on days. I wanted to extend my stay but the lecturer said I'll have to repeat the whole year, hence I didn't. On the night I was leaving, everyone told me not to tell him I'm going. So I spoke to him, I was crying and then suddenly he opened his eyes and was trying to move his mouth..and after almost 10 days he made a few sounds with his voice. He was trying to say something but sadly we couldn't understand him. I was so touched that he actually got up before I was leaving and I felt that he knew I was leaving. My aunt said, those sounds was him crying, he made similar sounds before and his eyes were red and watery. I was so sad...and touched that his goodbye with me was when he opened his eyes. Apprently that was the last time he made any movement until Saturday where he raised his eyebrows a few times and then he was gone.

His loss is a big one for this world. Because he inspired many. His patients wrote him a big book with what they felt about him..and he even got letters in his mail. He was one of the most supportive people and always believed in people even if the rest of the world didn't. Unfortunately he had to die in such a horrible way where it was as if he was a fish taken out of water. He suffered a lot. So I'm just glad that he is at peace now wherever he is, I'm glad that after leaving his dead weight body he can walk wherever, He can be wherever he wants...He is no longer suffering and his soul is the real him. 

He told me that he'd be there in spirit during my graduation and would come visit me at my house in KL whenever I think of him or want to talk to him.

I cant explain how much of pain I'm feeling or how sad I am that the ONE MAN i actually trusted is now gone. I know he will always be with me in memory and spirit but I'll never get to hug him or talk to him or see him. That is the hardest part for me. 

His children are my siblings and I will make sure I take care of them and make him proud. 

"Dear Bupi mama, Thank You for everything. You're finally free and no longer suffering. Because of you, I am who I am today. You're my greatest inspiration. I'm sure wherever you are you will inspire and give love to those around you. I hope you've given a punch to God from me and asked him Why? Tell him he has to prove a lot more to me, cuz my faith in him grows weaker with each suffering he puts on my loved ones. I also want to tell you, i'll make sure I guide Rohan and Nimer and I'm sure they'll be a handful but they're gonna make you proud too. I love you and I always will. You're unforgettable and I hope I find someone like you in the future to settle down with or I'm just gonna stay single :) hahaha. I know you always told all your friends who wanted you to introduce me to their sons that I was too good for their sons and to look elsewhere. Thank you for seeing the light in me always. I cannot thank you enough because you gave the the confidence and the strength to move on and never to look back at the sorrowful past. You told me that the future is what makes you and the past just helps in the process. I love you and I miss you so so so much."

Lots of love, hugs and kisses

Your Keow Teoy

( he always thought I looked asian/chinese in someway..,,and hence called me keow teoy cuz it was the only chinese food he knew from malaysia :) )

Euthanasia

Today hasn't been such a good day. For starters, my brother argued with me for no apparent reason as always..lecturing me about things and calling me all kinda names. Frankly speaking, I'm honestly sick of his nonsense so I just zone out. Its become second nature to now. The walls that I've built are harder and stronger because they were made because my own loved ones hurt me. So my walls are built with my own flesh and blood hardened over time. Hence this wall is better than before.

I spoke to my momy today and my uncle isn't doing so well. His feeding tube has been stopped because he keeps getting alternating episodes of diarrhoea and constipation. He also got Urinary tract infection as he is on diapers currently since he has been bedridden. He asked his doctors to stop his feeding tube because it really hurts. He is in so much pain and apparently last night he asked one of his doctors to stop his pain and suffering telling them, please as a patient you have to listen to me just overdose me with sleeping medications so all this can end. He actually couldnt take the pain anymore.

I know my uncle he is the strongest man I've met, the most courageous and kind hearted man...and for him to ask such a thing he must be in so much of pain a pain I can't even imagine. As I sit here writing this, I can't help but cry. Just thinking about the time when he goes makes me so sad. I've been through hell and back and not once did I ever think that I would break or that all the pain would break me. But my uncles passing makes me doubt my own strength.. I wonder if I'll finally break. They say when you bend an object too much it snaps. Would this be my snapping point?

My uncle is the only man who has proven to me that good men do exist. He is a father to me. He is a friend, a mentor and an inspiration someone who has a big hand of making me who I am today. He has taught me so many things but most of all he has taught me to be big hearted and kind to even those who have bad intentions because he always says people change and you should give them a chance. I wish there was something I could do to help you, I wish I could take away all your pain. I hate the fact that I am helpless and I cannot do anything at all to make this any easier.

I cant imagine not talking to you or seeing you on family trips and not having you on my graduation after you're gone. It kills me to even think about it. Again, I hate the fact that God is so unfair I wish I had the power to change things in my hand I really did but unfortunately I can't. If only God asked me what I wanted, I would tell him to take my life and give you yours back. I would do this with a single doubt over and over again every single time if I could. Why? Because I know you would have inspired many people, teach many people to become amazing like yourself...you would have made a change.

I don't know how I'm gonna be after you pass when right now itself I'm sobbing all alone. I don't have anyone to count on and I've learnt to count on myself. I just hope that is enough for me not to break. I have survived for such a long time through the pain and through the darkness I held onto the light but losing you might just break me into pieces which I cannot glue back together.

It hurts from the inside to just sit here and watch him slowly suffer and die. It hurts so so much. I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes to balance being a human and a doctor can be pretty hard...especially when it involves your loved ones. I cannot ease him pain nor his burden..i feel so useless honestly. Being a medical student knowing that his condition gives him only another month or so if he's lucky to survive and being a human I had hope but my medical knowledge overcame it. Sometimes I rather not know atleast the hope would have stayed..but too late for that. I hoped for many things in the past, but my hope was always broken.

Now I don't hope, I just don't. Cuz when its broken, its hurts rather horribly. I just pray, that if there is a God and if he actually cares about the people he so called created, to ease bupi mama's pain and suffering and to keep him here til I actually get to UK which is in 3 weeks. Cuz if he passes before I reach there, I don't know if I can actually forgive myself. its only because of medical school and the fact that if I miss  too much I cant sit for exam and I'll fail the posting and maybe the year which is holding me back from dropping everything and just being by his side. I know his dream has been to see me do what I love which is medicine and hence I gotta stay here for him.

Have mercy on him God, he hasn't hurt anyone. Be by his side during these last few months.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:  for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23

Sweet Escape

Last week hasn't been a good one for me, lets just say too much for me to handle. I'm surrounded by childish, rude and absurd individuals who do not understand how REAL life is and hence for them the tiniest bump becomes a mountain. So I've chosen not to bother cuz some people just can't be helped and I've learnt that the hard way.

On a brighter note, Happy Diwali :)
For starters, My mom wasn't home so diwali wasn't the same. I was meant to stay at my own house in boulevard but I ended up getting so frustrated with my brother, sister and dad and how the house looks every weekend I come back I told them, Screw you guys...I'm not staying here til you guys start appreciating and respecting me and I took my stuff and went to a family friends house which is in the next building.
Surprisingly I think that was the best decision I took, for once I thought about myself and I ended up enjoying Diwali :)

I went for this amazing buffet at Grand Dorsett Subang Jaya and had a blast, also went out for a girls night out with Kitty and Swati to WIP Bangsar and I generally had a good time attending the prayer on Sunday which they had for Diwali.

I obviously missed my mom like crazy but its okay, hopefully in 2 more months she'll be back or I'll prolly end up staying here without her. I also realized that I'm a much light hearted person after I found out something which I thought would affect me but it didn't. I just laughed out loud :) And man do I feel free, easy and alive again.

I've not felt this kinda peace in a while. I think hanging around older people who are in their thirties has made me realise that in real life where you work, pay your own bills, marry, etc there are much bigger problems than the kind of petty problems people have at uni. Its so lovely to hang out with people who are at my maturity level and I feel free to discuss reality with such people. At Uni most people are stuck in a Fantasy phase which no matter what you say they get damn offended and your opinion becomes a massive deal. Everyone has different views and we all have to face that. Its a part of life at the end of the day innit?

I haven't had good home made vege in ages and staying at jyoti aunty's place made my whole month! I had such good home cooked food and man all these cookies and stuff delicious. I didn't think my Diwali would be this good. I remember 6-7 years ago, in Klang Rohit,Rosh,Mom, Dad and I used to celebrate Diwali together and play with fire crackers and light candles/diya's around the house. I miss those days of dancing, calling people over for dinners, fire crackers and most of all I miss the feeling of being around family. Don't get me wrong, I've adapted to loneliness and I can survive but now and again I miss the feeling of warmth that family and love from people who care brings. So once in a while when I get such a dose it brightens my whole damn life and I reliase new things about myself, life and others.

For starters, I have NOT PRAYED for the past...what? I think 2 years? When I mean pray I mean talk to God or for the fact depend on God to make things better. I already gave up on wanting God to change things cuz I realised that God can't do anything, only I myself can. But last week, one of the days I felt the lowest I've ever felt in a long time. I felt like that is it, I can't take it and I have to end this sick feeling in my stomach. I just felt like stayingi n bed, sleeping and never facing the world for the rest of my life. But something that day, something inside me was so desperate to let go and that night I actually sat down and put my hands together and prayed. I only know the night prayer from my bible,the guru granth sahib and thats what I recited and I remembered most of it and forgot bits here and there. After that I just sat and talked to God. I just said how I felt and that I would like if I could get some strength and that if my Uncle who currently is suffering something worse than death could get some strength to survive.
My Uncle, was admitted to the hospital for 1 week. He hadn't eaten 2 weeks prior to his admittance and was only on liquid diet of soups and juices. He then couldn't breathe and was rushed to the hospital. They then realised he was dehydrated and because he hadn't eaten he was weak. So recently he had a JPEG operation done where they insert a tube which goes directly into your stomach and the food goes in directly. He was in a lot of pain and discomfort. And I just prayed he would have the strength to keep going and that his suffering would decrease a little. He also cant swallow well so his saliva irritates him a lot and its just really hard for him. I just keep telling myself that if he can survive so can I.

I probably will have to go to UK soon, after this 3 weeks of orthopaedics posting. I am planning to delay it to xmas so i can get 1 week holiday and skip 2 weeks..together that would be 3 weeks. But if his health worsens I'll go after these 3 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me to prepare myself to see him cuz he isn't the same as what he used to be and its really hard to see him like that.

Even when I think of him, I start tearing cuz I feel like I'm going to lose him. But i have to start accepting before I go to UK, that he does not have long. I just pray he gets all the strength he can get.

I prayed for like 20 minutes and I felt so much better and lighter. I felt so warm on the inside something I used to feel when I used to pray. I felt hope for myself and I just felt like I can do this shit and get out happy.
Then I knew, even though God can't do much cuz its up to me, he is the strength and hope that keeps me going.
All those times I was angry, bitter and resentful with God, all those times I said I didn't believe in him and all those times where I purposely challenged him to see what he would do, nothing happened. And when I needed him most, he helped me feel that warmth, helped me forgive myself and helped me find the strength within.
I understand why people are so religious and turn towards God during hard times.

For me, I can never be religious but I am spiritual and that is good enough for me.

Something about last week, restored my faith and I'm feeling so much stronger.

There will always be weak moments, hardships and sadness...But after each of these there are always strong moments, goodness and happiness to balance it out.

Its an everyday battle, but if you're willing to be happy then you gotta keep surviving :)

If I can, I'm sure you can too! :)