"Whore"

                            (Picture is not taken by me and was taken from tumblr)

I'm just so so sad. Normally I wouldn't ever mention that while writing this my eyes are sore because I'm crying but the pain in my heart is much worse. It's like this ache that makes you feel like you are suffocating. I just want to die really. I cannot take this anymore. How much of pain and suffering can one person take? I've been bruised, beaten, cheated, heartbroken and betrayed. It's not easy being me, I may make it look like it's pretty cool but inside it's a tornado. It's like I'm a ship wreck which has lost hope to be found. I've picked myself up from being so lost and so defeated by life by my family, my sister and by the man I loved. It's all okay, really I sucked it up and got over it. Yes it healed slowly but fortunately it did, but having to come back to a house where I live with a brother who has some sort of mental disorder and needs psychiatric help is not easy.I don't know if I'm pacifying myself by saying he is mentally disturbed or if he is just the way he is. But what I see I'm sure he has something wrong with his brain system. 

I come home on weekends, just for my mom and brother knowing that they're alone and would like to see me. But every time I come home I regret. My brother has somehow set in his mind that besides his mother all women are whores and sluts. That women were made to be fucked and to please men. He looks down on me and every weekend or every second weekend he starts a random argument without a cause and calls me all kind of names, all kinds of things and tells me to go get fucked and everything dirty I possibly cannot even mention here. I get verbally abused so much that I've started to hate myself.

Why does my brother think of me in this way? Could it be because of what my sister has become? Could it be because of the girls he has been with and the ones who broke his heart? Could it be because my dad neglects him so much that he craves for a man to be in his life? Could it be because he lost my uncle the only father figure in his life? Or maybe he must have some depression and internal conflicts inside which he just can't handle? Whatever it is, it's messed him up so bad that he has lost himself into this darkness which can't leave him anymore. I still wonder, if he can be saved? I'm Almost giving up because I'm hurt so deeply that I won't deny that for the past few months since my mom left and til now I've become so disgusted with myself, I feel I'm not good enough, I feel like being alone all the time, I don't want to know people and I just cannot look in the mirror. If this is not depression, I don't know what it.

Back to the current situation. 

He called me a whore, a slut...and said how we women should respect him because it is what we do, it is because we are lower. He rather have a brother at least he could talk to him. I got so so so upset because all this while i would bloody give up my life, to ensure he stays happy. If it came to a point there was food for only one person, I would give him the food. He is my brother and I love him. It's by default because I took care of my siblings when the situation between my parents was chaotic back when I was only a 16 year old, I took on the role of a 25 or 30 year old. That experience aged me internally I won't deny that but it also made me love my siblings like my own children. 

I don't know if it was time or the age or just bad luck that as they grew, many things changed to become worse. I didn't expect that. Yeah teens are rebellious but this is just downright crazy.

I've seen my uncle and at his deathbed no matter how much he did for his brothers only his two sisters were there to take care of him. 

A note to all men, yes your brother may be your bro and you can talk about boy things but never forget that once he gets a woman or gets married you will be forgotten.and if his wife and you don't get along he would pick her...and small things like property and money could stop you from talking. While sisters no matter what will always be there even if her husband and you don't get along. Appreciate your sisters really, cuz you will not know their value til they're gone.

I don't know why but I realised over time, both my siblings filled themselves with so much hate, so so much of hate towards me...The one person who loved them more than herself. I partially blame my parents because they would always tell them to follow my example. As a child and til now I've always been the obedient child while the other two haven't been..and for my parents especially my mom it didn't make sense. So every time she would make it sound like I was the golden child and told them to be like me and all these comparisons between us could be the cause of all this.I really hate this really, 

I was always told what to do, how to be but as I grew I realised that I want to be me and I chose to be different and not like the rest of the world. I chose not to hide who I really am like the rest of the world I chose to be me.

Why it upset me when my brother called me a whore and a slut is because I can be irritating and I can be a bitch but one thing that I am not,have never been and I know I'll never be is a whore or a slut who fucks around because She can. Infact I'm completely opposite. I've never had sex because I believe it something I want to have with the person I am gonna get married to because it's my dignity and someone worthy and daring enough to want me forever deserves it. I am different and I'm a broken soul and for me to be loved by someone is pretty hard cuz no one likes burdens really. Because of this belief I've been thrown around, cheated on and dumped by someone I love. He may or may not have loved me but the fact I wasn't gonna give it up definitely added to the break up. But despite loving that boy like I loved my family, loved him more than myself (yes I'll call him boy cuz he isn't mature enough to be called a man) I didn't just give up my vagina like most women would have to keep a man.if he loved me for me and not what's between my legs he would have stayed.if I mattered yo him more than his needs he would have stayed. Cuz it's a principle I follow and I just couldn't. Why I'm sharing this is because if I can not be with the man I love because it demands my principle to be broken, I don't deserve to be called a whore or a slut by my own brother. There are very very by few women who would have done what I have. I know many friends who to keep a man have seduced him and have had sex with him and funnily enough it works. I mean no offence to men but blood only flows to one head and that too the one below. But I know some men who are different so I am not gonna generalise as women can also be pretty idiotic sometimes.

So whenever my brother of all people calls me these things and says all these vulgar words, I feel like what is the point of being who I am when no matter what my actions are I'll be called a whore because of my gender. Especially coming from someone I have lived with all my life, someone who knows me and my principles and someone who's opinion matter...my own brother. It sickens me really and the fact it comes with an attack of rage and this crazy look in his eyes. Sometimes I'm so scared to come home because I'm afraid he might kill me one day just out of the anger he holds within. But I love him and my mom too much to leave them alone. Blood is thicker than water hence it's a curse really. Love generally to me has always proven to be a curse.

If my own sister can tell me, you can't even keep a boyfriend and make me feel like shit. I have no words to say. 

But today I know why I can't keep a boyfriend, it's because I respect myself. It's because I believe if I am loved I should be loved for who I am not what they want me to be. And if I a keeper then waiting to have sex after marriage shldnt be such hard thing. I mean come on?

At the end of it all, fuck it I don't need a man. I never want To get married nor do I want to enslave myself to a commitment which requires me to break who I am and spread my legs.

Call me a whore, call me a slut...fuck call me whatever you want. Cuz in the end, it doesn't matter.

Because there isn't gonna be another me, ever. Not in a million years.

If having principles in today's world is called being a whore, so be it.