A mind full of clutter

Today's been a little rough, I've got so much going on in my head it's gnawing at my focus and my soul.

I've got so much of feelings and thoughts that I need to pour out but I will never be able to express myself by talking, writing has always been my way. I think it's because humans always put me down and I started to keep things to myself or blog about it. The only reason I blog is because very few people know about my blog and read it...and I feel that even if the raw emotions I have inside inspire someone I would count it as a blessing.

It's hard to fight the subconscious mind, and the tricks it plays in your sleep.

I wish it was easier for me to talk to someone, but it just isn't. I used to be able to once upon a time. But zig zag ruined that and so did a bunch of friends who I trusted but they left me( to to sink in my own wrecked boat) 

But that's the past and I've been over it, and I haven't been able to trust people After not the way I did. 

I did for a short time trust someone, let's call him "Libra". Libra however didn't know what to make of what I had expressed at a mamak. The weird thing was it was the one time I actually felt like expressing...but I was shut down. Libra shut down. I guess zigzag and libra have that in common, being feelingless and not wanting to hear about problems and feeling that someone that they so call care about has. 

Too bad, cuz it's too late.

I'm too far in my cage to come out for anyone, not even for God himself. 

Sometimes to protect yourself you have to give up on people and mourn their loss no matter how much it hurts.

At home, my family complains that I'm so quiet and always to myself in my room doing my own thing. Sadly it has never occurred to them that silence speaks louder than words. Home is a place where I find my peace and where I can be myself. Yes I'm an extrovert as most people would say, but truth be told I'm actually an introvert & i love my ME time doing whatever makes me happy, whether it's sleep or watching TV series or listening to music. My room is my safe haven where I feel secure. In my past I've sacrificed my happiness again, and again and again for people I've loved. I've given the people I love everything I've had right down to the soul however I only got pain in return when at that time all I needed was support. So why I have MY ME time is cuz I've learnt to love myself more and to choose my happiness above all else to keep my sanity in check. Too bad no one understands but it's okay, I'm happy the way I am. Nothing can break me and I mean nothing. As they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And if my happiness makes me selfish then so be it. 

It's sad to say, while I'm sitting here typing this, I'm crying my eyes out. After getting my sister back from the darkness she was in I had to pretend like she's dead again. This time she left for good. All this emotional trauma is so annoying. Apparently I was never a good sister cuz I didn't help her stay in school. Kids who almost got expelled or suspended their parents paid of the school to keep them. At that time our family was practically going through a financial crisis and we couldn't. I asked her I was 16 myself trying to protect her and Rohit from the craziness of our parents always quarrelling how could I have financially helped. What did she expect? Me to sell myself and get money so she stays in school and gets whatever she wants. Apparently "Yes" she said. I was selfish to continue my education and "You got everything I wanted from everyone cuz you were the angel in the family." She said. Little does she know in her absence so much shit happened that I will always remember.

I've never ever once complained about all the pain I've felt to my family. I've sucked it up every single time and was always sacrificing my happiness for everyone else and was happy to do so. Not once did anyone ask me if I can take it all by myself. I solved everyone's problems but added problems to myself. 

After everything I still took her with open arms, I forgave her and wanted her to start over. But as they say old habits die hard. How drug addicts relapse, my sister did too. She relapsed to her old lifestyle after three months of being home and happy. 

She deflected everything she didn't want to feel on my family and I saying she hates us. Well she can keep hating us or herself cuz it's very clear that she can't admit to herself that she did wrong and until she doesn't and keeps blaming others she will never grow up. Acceptance is the key to growing.

I'm just feeling really alone in this time and I don't know to even talk about it. My eyes are practically stinging, I'm crying like as if someone died. Well yeah, my sister died a long time ago. The girl I knew that beautiful soul is no longer there. 

Bupi mama said to always keep our doors open for her for when she changes. I wanna say sorry Bupi mama but I don't know how to anymore cuz it really hurts. I literally have a chest pain now and I feel like I can't breathe. I just hope I don't black out like I used to when I used to get really angry or sad before or when my parents fought. 

I'm sitting here mourning and she's off to live her life on the streets with strangers she meets cuz she feels safer with them than she does with us. She blames my mother who sacrificed her whole damn life for us and I don't know any other woman who would do that. Not even my sister, she clearly chose herself over Everyone else.

It doesn't matter, I've got enough scars to know that scars heal. But this scars deeper than it seems. 

It's either I'll keep bleeding or I'll heal.  Either way, I've still lost another person I love.

Maybe I'm just cursed, I can't keep love? I can't keep people? Maybe I'm just meant to be alone? I don't know but whatever it is, clearly I am the problem.

Whatever dark forces are working against me are doing a good job, cuz I feel like I'm losing this battle and I have never felt this In a while....

Battles are always hard. No one knows who wins.

Under my skin

It's been a while since I've expressed how I feel :) mainly cuz I've gotten very good at keeping sadness to myself. 

After my last heartbreak it took me a long time to build myself up as well as build my wall out of titanium. I came to the point where even blogging became too open for me to express how I feel because I didn't want to be weak, because come on after everything I've been through in life...I'm anything but weak. This I know for a fact. And the only reason why I wouldn't share how I feel as much with people would be because it's the same song with a different beat and people get sick of the song and I realized that people don't understand and that's okay not everyone understands.

I've also lately been listening to people who are either going through a difficult time or people who are going through something similar to what I've been through. I try my best to be there for them or to help them in anyway because I know how it's like to not have anyone there for me. I know my best friends would not be happy that I'm saying that but what I mean is people are there just that they wouldn't understand the depth of the sadness or despair and that's not their fault. It's just not as easy to tell someone who hasn't felt that way about how I feel. That's all.

One thing I've also been is happy and content with myself and the people around me. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people who make me happy. People who actually care and not just want me around for the good times and chuck me Away during my bad times. But the past 2-3weeks I've been feeling pretty low, been sleeping a lot and getting out of bed is very hard for me. I constantly feel tired even after 14hours of sleep. I just hope I'm not getting back into some depression like the last time. I shouldn't though, friends are great, studies are going better than ever and I feel awesome inside.

I thought to myself it's probably cuz of my health, my menstruation problem is still there and my hormones are all over the place and I either get really emotional and end up tipsy texting or really irritable and shout or block the whole world out.

Being insane and sane is both a gift and a curse. Being the one people go to and unable to go to other in times of need is also a curse. It's not a choice anymore to be strong it's become the only thing I can do and be. I cannot be anything other than that. It's like being in warrior mode, always ready and always surviving. 

I get awfully worried about my brother a lot, I can't express how much. His mood is always so unstable and like a fuse you just never know when he starts arguing and then In a split second he becomes sad, depressed and sometimes suicidal. It's not easy at all, sometimes I just want to give up cuz it's really tiring. I'm emotionally exhausted sometimes but it's okay, it's part of life.

I've given up on questioning why does this happen to me? Or why my family has to go through so much? Or even complain to God about it. I don't complain anymore. 

Some problems don't have a solution hence I've equipped myself well enough to make it through.

Ofcourse I often crave to share some parts of my soul with another person of the opposite gender, but that's too is something I've given up on. Only because, no one would understand the responsibilities not would they take my baggage which I actually didn't think was much. Besides that, to love me for all my flaws and all my scars isn't something people can do. I don't blame them to be honest, I completely umderstand. 

But recently after a long time, I actually considered someone however the timing and circumstances are pretty messed up. The guy is confused, adorable and actually someone I've known for 5years now but there are barriers I can't cross with my feelings and because of that it will probably never happen.

The attraction was initially very physical or atleast I thought but now I'm starting to question myself on if  it's more than that and if it actually means anything or is it just an infatuation? Cuz I promised myself that after Zigzag I was never gonna open up to anyone the way I did with him. I will not lay my heart and my feelings the way I did with him. Because it bit me in the ass and broke me down nearly to an abyss of darkness. I cannot let another man do that to me ever again(unless the man proved himself worthy and wants me for all my broken pieces) 

So due to this promise I don't let myself feel as much, so I always have crushes on the boys with girlfriends or celebrities and stuff. I crush on people who I know I can never have or people I know I will never like more than just a crush. A one sided thing. But this surprisingly became kinda two sided however he is a confused man who doesn't open up about feelings as easy cuz he doesn't know how he feels anyways. Which is okay actually.

Heck I'm so confused that I decided to not think about it anymore. Let things just be as they are and move on with my life. Sad thing is, he's a friend and I don't wanna lose that friendship. 

When things with Zigzag ended the saddest thing was I lost my best friend, and I don't want that to happen with this. 

But then again, whatever happens will happen. I am not one to stop it.

Then again, who knew it was gonna be like this?

PS: I passed my driving computer test with a 50/50. Failed the parking test though but passed the road test and then finally passed the parking and now I have a driving licence :) hell yeah mofo's :)