After my last heartbreak it took me a long time to build myself up as well as build my wall out of titanium. I came to the point where even blogging became too open for me to express how I feel because I didn't want to be weak, because come on after everything I've been through in life...I'm anything but weak. This I know for a fact. And the only reason why I wouldn't share how I feel as much with people would be because it's the same song with a different beat and people get sick of the song and I realized that people don't understand and that's okay not everyone understands.
I've also lately been listening to people who are either going through a difficult time or people who are going through something similar to what I've been through. I try my best to be there for them or to help them in anyway because I know how it's like to not have anyone there for me. I know my best friends would not be happy that I'm saying that but what I mean is people are there just that they wouldn't understand the depth of the sadness or despair and that's not their fault. It's just not as easy to tell someone who hasn't felt that way about how I feel. That's all.
One thing I've also been is happy and content with myself and the people around me. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people who make me happy. People who actually care and not just want me around for the good times and chuck me Away during my bad times. But the past 2-3weeks I've been feeling pretty low, been sleeping a lot and getting out of bed is very hard for me. I constantly feel tired even after 14hours of sleep. I just hope I'm not getting back into some depression like the last time. I shouldn't though, friends are great, studies are going better than ever and I feel awesome inside.
I thought to myself it's probably cuz of my health, my menstruation problem is still there and my hormones are all over the place and I either get really emotional and end up tipsy texting or really irritable and shout or block the whole world out.
Being insane and sane is both a gift and a curse. Being the one people go to and unable to go to other in times of need is also a curse. It's not a choice anymore to be strong it's become the only thing I can do and be. I cannot be anything other than that. It's like being in warrior mode, always ready and always surviving.
I get awfully worried about my brother a lot, I can't express how much. His mood is always so unstable and like a fuse you just never know when he starts arguing and then In a split second he becomes sad, depressed and sometimes suicidal. It's not easy at all, sometimes I just want to give up cuz it's really tiring. I'm emotionally exhausted sometimes but it's okay, it's part of life.
I've given up on questioning why does this happen to me? Or why my family has to go through so much? Or even complain to God about it. I don't complain anymore.
Some problems don't have a solution hence I've equipped myself well enough to make it through.
Ofcourse I often crave to share some parts of my soul with another person of the opposite gender, but that's too is something I've given up on. Only because, no one would understand the responsibilities not would they take my baggage which I actually didn't think was much. Besides that, to love me for all my flaws and all my scars isn't something people can do. I don't blame them to be honest, I completely umderstand.
But recently after a long time, I actually considered someone however the timing and circumstances are pretty messed up. The guy is confused, adorable and actually someone I've known for 5years now but there are barriers I can't cross with my feelings and because of that it will probably never happen.
The attraction was initially very physical or atleast I thought but now I'm starting to question myself on if it's more than that and if it actually means anything or is it just an infatuation? Cuz I promised myself that after Zigzag I was never gonna open up to anyone the way I did with him. I will not lay my heart and my feelings the way I did with him. Because it bit me in the ass and broke me down nearly to an abyss of darkness. I cannot let another man do that to me ever again(unless the man proved himself worthy and wants me for all my broken pieces)
So due to this promise I don't let myself feel as much, so I always have crushes on the boys with girlfriends or celebrities and stuff. I crush on people who I know I can never have or people I know I will never like more than just a crush. A one sided thing. But this surprisingly became kinda two sided however he is a confused man who doesn't open up about feelings as easy cuz he doesn't know how he feels anyways. Which is okay actually.
Heck I'm so confused that I decided to not think about it anymore. Let things just be as they are and move on with my life. Sad thing is, he's a friend and I don't wanna lose that friendship.
When things with Zigzag ended the saddest thing was I lost my best friend, and I don't want that to happen with this.
But then again, whatever happens will happen. I am not one to stop it.
Then again, who knew it was gonna be like this?
PS: I passed my driving computer test with a 50/50. Failed the parking test though but passed the road test and then finally passed the parking and now I have a driving licence :) hell yeah mofo's :)
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