The whole of yesterday, I tried to write something to help me express some of my feelings, but I just couldn't. I was supposed to do so many assignments but I again couldn't. the thought that I was there 2 days before and it didn't happen, made me feel so horrible. I felt so upset that the lecturer didn't give me an extension. Then again somethings are just meant to be I guess, maybe he thought it would be better if I wasn't there to witness it..that I'd be better off not seeing. I can't go to his funeral either, but I hope he understands that its the only place I'd like to be at.
I know many people do not know why I am so upset that my uncle passed away. I know that people don't get how come I'm so close to him when he is all the way in the UK.
For starters not many people know that I was once a broken child with no hope and this wonderful man is the man behind me...he made me the strong woman I am today. He inspired me to be the best I can be. I may not look it but I've been through a lot of hard times where I wanted to end my life. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't the kinda gal who would do that for a petty reason or for a boy..please I'm much more than that. I had a rough late teens where my parents weren't exactly on the best terms and the one place I felt at home wasn't at all home. It was the one place I didn't want to be. Many things happened and my siblings were affects each went down different paths. My brother I feel got messed up internally and he needs some psychiatric help, while my sister went madly wild and rebellious and basically does what she feels regardless of it being right or wrong. At one point of my life I felt all alone, without siblings without parents and that is when this amazing person picked me up and helped me. Emotionally he strengthened me, he said that I was his daughter and he told his children that too. I was his favourite niece he said I was filled with love, a kind of warmth many people did not have. I didn't understand that back in the day but as I grew older I understood what he meant.
I wasn't supposed to do medicine, I wasn't supposed to fulfil my dreams. Medicine has been a passion for me since I was 3. Ofcourse my uncle, dad and cousins were an influence BUT as I grew up I realised the beauty of it. I realised that helping people in any way satisfied me and being a doctor would too. I learn't to love the profession and currently its the only thing that is going good in my life. When the whole world was against my dreams and told me to change what I want to do because of financial, emotional and other reasons my uncle was the only one who kept on supporting me. He said he knows that I would make an excellent doctor. He said he was a light in me and that was the kind of light doctors today needed and lacked. After a 9 month depression phase where I lost 20kg's from gymming like crazy and quitting most of the food I loved, I joined foundation and after a year with a 3.9CGPA I got into medicine :) All thanks to him. He emotionally and then financially decided to pay for my education.
He was a wonderful brother and son. When my grandmother( mom's mother) was undergoing chemo for her ovarian cancer which was at its last stage(had spread to her abdomen) he never gave up on her. Eventhough as a doctor he knew that it was too late, he still did chemo and til the day she passed, he gave her IV fluid. He was the best man I've met til date and he has been more honest to me than my own father. I cannot express in words how much that means to me.
He was the best father, he loved his children more than anything in this world. He played cricket and football with his son and was most caring father to his daughter. He attended every concert and every cricket game Rohan played. He was active in their lives and they were so lucky to have him as a father. He was strict but only cause he wanted to help them learn from their mistakes but when he showed love he went all. I never got that from my father..my father never came for anything of mine. He was too busy working and had no time. Bupi mama, made time for his children and his family. He was a Gem and there will not be another born like him. He was honestly one in a million.
Did I mention he was the best husband? He followed his wife to shop for the house when they had just moved in. He helped pick everything from the colour theme, to the cutlery, to the carpets. You name it he was there with his wife. He helped her whenever he could with the children. Infact he often gave them showers, he dressed his children up, he took care of them like no other. He helped them do their homework he taught them maths. He even took his wife out shopping for new clothes whenever he felt like. He was a complete package and the sad thing is he didn't get to live long. It really is such a pity.
I went to UK for 2 weeks and I was shocked. I did not expect him to be in the state that he was. I've been through a lot but what I saw in these 2 weeks was above all my pain and sorrow. It was an entirely different ball game. On the day I arrived, he was pretty concious and could speak with a few pauses and deep breaths inbetween as he got tired easily. He raised his eyebrows and said Ohhh Chandni. Thank you for coming my dear..I've been waiting for you. He told me about the stethescope he had gotten with my name engraved in it "Dr.Chandni Rai" The minute I saw him, I burst into tears and him being the great person he kept saying come on my dear, smile! I told you no crying, I am fine I am plodding along. I am not scared i told you.
I then told him, how I am so angry with God and I refuse to believe he exists. He told me chandni, if God didn;t exist how could I keep seeing my parents talking to me in my dreams and accompanying me throughout the rough times..I know he exists and he may have made a mistake so forgive him he said. I told my uncle that when he does go up, to give a big punch to God from my side. He laughed a little and said don;t worry I'm going to beat him up and I'll surely give a blow to him from you. He said he shall ask God why did he have to suffer life this..why?
My uncle had Motor Neuron Disease. The cause is unknown but is said to be genetic(though no one in our family has had this before) and there is no cure. The person's neurons start dying and hence muscles can't be controlled causing the person not to move. The muscles inturn start dying and at the end the person becomes a complete vegetable, unable to move, unable to cough out phlegm, unable to breathe, unable to eat and unable to talk. He had suffered so much. The human body is made up of muscles everywhere not only externally but there is muscle in the internal organs also which help them to contract. The worst possible disease to have. He just lay there, unable to move. My aunt and mom turned him around every 1.5hrs to prevent bed sores and he hated the ripple air matress which made him feel uncomfortable. He had done a peg operation where they gave him this milky fluid which had the calories he required for the day..however it didn;t suit him as he developed diarrhoea and constipation alternatively. He got weaker.
SO then he decided he had enough..He asked the doctor not to give him any food or water anymore. He asked for morphine as the pain was getting worse due to the stiffness of the joints and lying down all the time. He was practically a bag of bones. I never in a million years thought that a man as good as him would die such a horrible death where his body gave way completely. He wanted to die in his sleep, hence the morphine. He didn't want to choke and die because his respiratory muscles gave way. He felt that wasn't a noble death.
So I only got to speak to him for 2 days after I arrived and then he was in a deep sleep. The doctor had given him til wednesday but he survived even til after I left. He was a strong man, with no comorbid illnesses at 65 and he was as fit as ever. The doctor had not seen anything like this. He survived without food and water for 1month or more. He had then after 5days gone into a coma..where he would respond by either raising his eyebrows or squinting his eyes. before the coma stage he was very aggravated and forgot that he couldn't walk or eat or drink. He kept asking for food, water, coke(which he hated when he was normal, never took all these unhealthy drinks) and tea. We used to just wet his mouth with these so he could taste them. He argued with us about wanting to walk and sit outside and asked us to take him out of here.He hates this place. This was all after the morphine and midazolam started. This was the hardest time as to say no and explain to him was so hard. To deny him food and water was horrible. God was truly unkind as he blinded himself when he was needed most.
Soon after he would rarely wake up or even move his eyebrows on days. I wanted to extend my stay but the lecturer said I'll have to repeat the whole year, hence I didn't. On the night I was leaving, everyone told me not to tell him I'm going. So I spoke to him, I was crying and then suddenly he opened his eyes and was trying to move his mouth..and after almost 10 days he made a few sounds with his voice. He was trying to say something but sadly we couldn't understand him. I was so touched that he actually got up before I was leaving and I felt that he knew I was leaving. My aunt said, those sounds was him crying, he made similar sounds before and his eyes were red and watery. I was so sad...and touched that his goodbye with me was when he opened his eyes. Apprently that was the last time he made any movement until Saturday where he raised his eyebrows a few times and then he was gone.
His loss is a big one for this world. Because he inspired many. His patients wrote him a big book with what they felt about him..and he even got letters in his mail. He was one of the most supportive people and always believed in people even if the rest of the world didn't. Unfortunately he had to die in such a horrible way where it was as if he was a fish taken out of water. He suffered a lot. So I'm just glad that he is at peace now wherever he is, I'm glad that after leaving his dead weight body he can walk wherever, He can be wherever he wants...He is no longer suffering and his soul is the real him.
He told me that he'd be there in spirit during my graduation and would come visit me at my house in KL whenever I think of him or want to talk to him.
I cant explain how much of pain I'm feeling or how sad I am that the ONE MAN i actually trusted is now gone. I know he will always be with me in memory and spirit but I'll never get to hug him or talk to him or see him. That is the hardest part for me.
His children are my siblings and I will make sure I take care of them and make him proud.
"Dear Bupi mama, Thank You for everything. You're finally free and no longer suffering. Because of you, I am who I am today. You're my greatest inspiration. I'm sure wherever you are you will inspire and give love to those around you. I hope you've given a punch to God from me and asked him Why? Tell him he has to prove a lot more to me, cuz my faith in him grows weaker with each suffering he puts on my loved ones. I also want to tell you, i'll make sure I guide Rohan and Nimer and I'm sure they'll be a handful but they're gonna make you proud too. I love you and I always will. You're unforgettable and I hope I find someone like you in the future to settle down with or I'm just gonna stay single :) hahaha. I know you always told all your friends who wanted you to introduce me to their sons that I was too good for their sons and to look elsewhere. Thank you for seeing the light in me always. I cannot thank you enough because you gave the the confidence and the strength to move on and never to look back at the sorrowful past. You told me that the future is what makes you and the past just helps in the process. I love you and I miss you so so so much."
Lots of love, hugs and kisses
Your Keow Teoy
( he always thought I looked asian/chinese in someway..,,and hence called me keow teoy cuz it was the only chinese food he knew from malaysia :) )
No comments:
Post a Comment