Euthanasia

Today hasn't been such a good day. For starters, my brother argued with me for no apparent reason as always..lecturing me about things and calling me all kinda names. Frankly speaking, I'm honestly sick of his nonsense so I just zone out. Its become second nature to now. The walls that I've built are harder and stronger because they were made because my own loved ones hurt me. So my walls are built with my own flesh and blood hardened over time. Hence this wall is better than before.

I spoke to my momy today and my uncle isn't doing so well. His feeding tube has been stopped because he keeps getting alternating episodes of diarrhoea and constipation. He also got Urinary tract infection as he is on diapers currently since he has been bedridden. He asked his doctors to stop his feeding tube because it really hurts. He is in so much pain and apparently last night he asked one of his doctors to stop his pain and suffering telling them, please as a patient you have to listen to me just overdose me with sleeping medications so all this can end. He actually couldnt take the pain anymore.

I know my uncle he is the strongest man I've met, the most courageous and kind hearted man...and for him to ask such a thing he must be in so much of pain a pain I can't even imagine. As I sit here writing this, I can't help but cry. Just thinking about the time when he goes makes me so sad. I've been through hell and back and not once did I ever think that I would break or that all the pain would break me. But my uncles passing makes me doubt my own strength.. I wonder if I'll finally break. They say when you bend an object too much it snaps. Would this be my snapping point?

My uncle is the only man who has proven to me that good men do exist. He is a father to me. He is a friend, a mentor and an inspiration someone who has a big hand of making me who I am today. He has taught me so many things but most of all he has taught me to be big hearted and kind to even those who have bad intentions because he always says people change and you should give them a chance. I wish there was something I could do to help you, I wish I could take away all your pain. I hate the fact that I am helpless and I cannot do anything at all to make this any easier.

I cant imagine not talking to you or seeing you on family trips and not having you on my graduation after you're gone. It kills me to even think about it. Again, I hate the fact that God is so unfair I wish I had the power to change things in my hand I really did but unfortunately I can't. If only God asked me what I wanted, I would tell him to take my life and give you yours back. I would do this with a single doubt over and over again every single time if I could. Why? Because I know you would have inspired many people, teach many people to become amazing like yourself...you would have made a change.

I don't know how I'm gonna be after you pass when right now itself I'm sobbing all alone. I don't have anyone to count on and I've learnt to count on myself. I just hope that is enough for me not to break. I have survived for such a long time through the pain and through the darkness I held onto the light but losing you might just break me into pieces which I cannot glue back together.

It hurts from the inside to just sit here and watch him slowly suffer and die. It hurts so so much. I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes to balance being a human and a doctor can be pretty hard...especially when it involves your loved ones. I cannot ease him pain nor his burden..i feel so useless honestly. Being a medical student knowing that his condition gives him only another month or so if he's lucky to survive and being a human I had hope but my medical knowledge overcame it. Sometimes I rather not know atleast the hope would have stayed..but too late for that. I hoped for many things in the past, but my hope was always broken.

Now I don't hope, I just don't. Cuz when its broken, its hurts rather horribly. I just pray, that if there is a God and if he actually cares about the people he so called created, to ease bupi mama's pain and suffering and to keep him here til I actually get to UK which is in 3 weeks. Cuz if he passes before I reach there, I don't know if I can actually forgive myself. its only because of medical school and the fact that if I miss  too much I cant sit for exam and I'll fail the posting and maybe the year which is holding me back from dropping everything and just being by his side. I know his dream has been to see me do what I love which is medicine and hence I gotta stay here for him.

Have mercy on him God, he hasn't hurt anyone. Be by his side during these last few months.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:  for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23