Sweet Escape

Last week hasn't been a good one for me, lets just say too much for me to handle. I'm surrounded by childish, rude and absurd individuals who do not understand how REAL life is and hence for them the tiniest bump becomes a mountain. So I've chosen not to bother cuz some people just can't be helped and I've learnt that the hard way.

On a brighter note, Happy Diwali :)
For starters, My mom wasn't home so diwali wasn't the same. I was meant to stay at my own house in boulevard but I ended up getting so frustrated with my brother, sister and dad and how the house looks every weekend I come back I told them, Screw you guys...I'm not staying here til you guys start appreciating and respecting me and I took my stuff and went to a family friends house which is in the next building.
Surprisingly I think that was the best decision I took, for once I thought about myself and I ended up enjoying Diwali :)

I went for this amazing buffet at Grand Dorsett Subang Jaya and had a blast, also went out for a girls night out with Kitty and Swati to WIP Bangsar and I generally had a good time attending the prayer on Sunday which they had for Diwali.

I obviously missed my mom like crazy but its okay, hopefully in 2 more months she'll be back or I'll prolly end up staying here without her. I also realized that I'm a much light hearted person after I found out something which I thought would affect me but it didn't. I just laughed out loud :) And man do I feel free, easy and alive again.

I've not felt this kinda peace in a while. I think hanging around older people who are in their thirties has made me realise that in real life where you work, pay your own bills, marry, etc there are much bigger problems than the kind of petty problems people have at uni. Its so lovely to hang out with people who are at my maturity level and I feel free to discuss reality with such people. At Uni most people are stuck in a Fantasy phase which no matter what you say they get damn offended and your opinion becomes a massive deal. Everyone has different views and we all have to face that. Its a part of life at the end of the day innit?

I haven't had good home made vege in ages and staying at jyoti aunty's place made my whole month! I had such good home cooked food and man all these cookies and stuff delicious. I didn't think my Diwali would be this good. I remember 6-7 years ago, in Klang Rohit,Rosh,Mom, Dad and I used to celebrate Diwali together and play with fire crackers and light candles/diya's around the house. I miss those days of dancing, calling people over for dinners, fire crackers and most of all I miss the feeling of being around family. Don't get me wrong, I've adapted to loneliness and I can survive but now and again I miss the feeling of warmth that family and love from people who care brings. So once in a while when I get such a dose it brightens my whole damn life and I reliase new things about myself, life and others.

For starters, I have NOT PRAYED for the past...what? I think 2 years? When I mean pray I mean talk to God or for the fact depend on God to make things better. I already gave up on wanting God to change things cuz I realised that God can't do anything, only I myself can. But last week, one of the days I felt the lowest I've ever felt in a long time. I felt like that is it, I can't take it and I have to end this sick feeling in my stomach. I just felt like stayingi n bed, sleeping and never facing the world for the rest of my life. But something that day, something inside me was so desperate to let go and that night I actually sat down and put my hands together and prayed. I only know the night prayer from my bible,the guru granth sahib and thats what I recited and I remembered most of it and forgot bits here and there. After that I just sat and talked to God. I just said how I felt and that I would like if I could get some strength and that if my Uncle who currently is suffering something worse than death could get some strength to survive.
My Uncle, was admitted to the hospital for 1 week. He hadn't eaten 2 weeks prior to his admittance and was only on liquid diet of soups and juices. He then couldn't breathe and was rushed to the hospital. They then realised he was dehydrated and because he hadn't eaten he was weak. So recently he had a JPEG operation done where they insert a tube which goes directly into your stomach and the food goes in directly. He was in a lot of pain and discomfort. And I just prayed he would have the strength to keep going and that his suffering would decrease a little. He also cant swallow well so his saliva irritates him a lot and its just really hard for him. I just keep telling myself that if he can survive so can I.

I probably will have to go to UK soon, after this 3 weeks of orthopaedics posting. I am planning to delay it to xmas so i can get 1 week holiday and skip 2 weeks..together that would be 3 weeks. But if his health worsens I'll go after these 3 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me to prepare myself to see him cuz he isn't the same as what he used to be and its really hard to see him like that.

Even when I think of him, I start tearing cuz I feel like I'm going to lose him. But i have to start accepting before I go to UK, that he does not have long. I just pray he gets all the strength he can get.

I prayed for like 20 minutes and I felt so much better and lighter. I felt so warm on the inside something I used to feel when I used to pray. I felt hope for myself and I just felt like I can do this shit and get out happy.
Then I knew, even though God can't do much cuz its up to me, he is the strength and hope that keeps me going.
All those times I was angry, bitter and resentful with God, all those times I said I didn't believe in him and all those times where I purposely challenged him to see what he would do, nothing happened. And when I needed him most, he helped me feel that warmth, helped me forgive myself and helped me find the strength within.
I understand why people are so religious and turn towards God during hard times.

For me, I can never be religious but I am spiritual and that is good enough for me.

Something about last week, restored my faith and I'm feeling so much stronger.

There will always be weak moments, hardships and sadness...But after each of these there are always strong moments, goodness and happiness to balance it out.

Its an everyday battle, but if you're willing to be happy then you gotta keep surviving :)

If I can, I'm sure you can too! :)