I've always thought hiding how you really feel was such a hard thing to do. It was something that took a lot of effort something that required a lot of skill. But I was pretty wrong. When life brings you to times where you've been left alone without support by even people so near and dear to you...you learn to hide your feelings, you learn to never let anyone know the pain, the sadness, you keep wearing the mask...the mask that hides it all, The mask with a big smile!
There are times when I am really happy and the real me comes out. The me that teases, jokes, has deep talks and basically says as it is. But to those who I am not comfortable with(turns out that thats a longggg list) I just smile and act all normal.
My uncles passing has really brought this empty space inside of me. It feels as if I've lost something which I know I cannot find anymore. Its like this dark veil which has fallen on me. I can see through it but the vision isn't clear. I don't feel like eating, nor do I feel like sleeping sometime while at other times all I want to do is sleep, sleep my sorrows away. I just feel like staying at home in my room all by myself. I don't keep in touch with most of my friends unless they talk to me or whatsapp me. I don't know its just a real odd feeling. Like being sucked into a blackhole?
At Uni, I feel as if I am leading two lives. I often think of my uncle and all the times we had, but i never show it. I make jokes, I have normal conversations, I try to listen in class. I just put up my mask. While in my head and in my heart its different. Thank God for one thing, life has given me enough scars to give me the strength to hold back my tears. I cannot cry infront of people no matter how much I feel like it. I am so glad for this because a person from my past who I loved once told me never to tell him of my problems, nor my sadness and I never cried infront of him after I saw how he reacted. Since then, I can't cry infront of people, its really hard for me. I'm just so afraid to let my guard down, its always up.
It does get exhausting you know, putting up this mask. Can you imagine a clown who is forever funny? Yeah somewhat that way. The good part about all this is, I am broken but I know I can fix myself. I am still holding on to a certain light my uncle left. I just wish there were genuine people around.
On every turn, I see people with two sided ugly faces which is the last thing I want to see. I feel the fakeness, the darkness and that feeling that makes me wanna puke.
I cannot explain what a curse it is, to be born on a planet with a heart that cares too much. A heart that has been cursed to love and care unconditionally even towards people who only want to hurt me. This heart of mine has forever let me down. It has taught me the reality of people by making me cry tears of blood and losing my loved ones to either death or this vicious world. The curse i was born with was just my fate I guess. I tried changing the love and care I gave to others but til today I just can't. I've learnt to except that what I do for people is because I do it from the bottom of my heart. I don't expect anything in return and I also expect the worse from people. I don't want anything from them just as long as they are happy.
My uncle has thought me, that we should forgive others because holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiving sets you free.
So today I feel that I forgive all those who have hurt me and forgive everything and everyone including myself.
But I've got my guard up, as high as the damn wall of china! :) And it'll take a damn miracle for me to even remove one brick for the air to come in. Its the only choice I have to love unconditionally but yet keep my walls high and mighty strong.
As my aged soul is tired and my heart worn out. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve any longer and i don;t think I ever will until i find the right person or people I can be myself with.
Life is such I guess. You win some, you lose some. Life has taught me many lessons and one of them is never to show my vulnerability to the world. For all it wants is to see me fall. So hide my feelings behind a mask and use my mind to navigate me.
So you tell me, do you wear a mask?
* the pictures are not mine or taken by me unless stated.
1 comment:
Many have been in this belief where they think that Love is not stronger than Hate. And so, many of us who seek Love in objects and people end up grieving. Some start believing that Love is an unnecessary emotion. They are in the belief that if one Loves, one grieves and feels pain.
But you see, Love is beyond all that. When one Loves fully and truly, grieve and pain become just a mere fragment of one's imagination. It ceases to exist.
When one is truly in Love, one can never ever feel hurt.
So, what emotion are you really feeling, if you claim to love someone, but constantly have Fear?
A Fear driven emotion labelled as Love, driven by the Fear of being lonely, in needing of company, in need of a spouse, is in the end, not Love. But Fear.
You have never been Loving if you had felt this way.
But what if you ask yourself, why are you feeling this way? Get to the core of the question, the essence of the problem, the root of the cause and seed that gave birth to all these Fears.
You would find that, Love, had always been the answer and question.
The reason and consequence.
The beginning and end.
Birth and Death.
It has always been about Love.
And where else to start the spark of Love but in your Self, for your Self and by your Self :)
Welcome to the Awakening process. You're slowly travelling out of the System ruled based on Fear and into a System of Light.
It's gonna be a little bumpy, but hang in there, your Higher Self has got you in control. You are in Control.
And nothing can, or will harm you from this point onwards.
You're loved.
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