Dear Bupi mama,
Its Christmas today and somehow the excitement isn't how it usually is. I went out with Rohit and Suba for dinner and coffee at a place called Bangsar. The lights were very pretty. I've been feeling quite lonely and empty lately and I don't know how to describe it to you Bupi mama. I know you would tell me to put my chin up and that I'm a brave girl but lately it hasn't been feeling that way.
I'm just exhausted being brave for a while, I wish I could just let go and cry out and scream but I don't have anyone who I trust enough to do that with. I remember in Kashmir I was quite upset about something and i cried to you and you were so comforting. You told me that Chandni life has never been easy for anyone and that the fact that I had made it through my past was an amazing achievement. You told me if I made it through all that, I shouldn't let what people say get to me because they don't know my battle and what I've been through. You told me to ignore what they say and to just keep going and one day I would prove them wrong. I wish you were here to comfort me now cuz I'm all alone in my room crying my eyes out.
I was thinking about our Kashmir trip and how much priceless time I got to spend with you by being your right hand woman. I wish it was longer than two months. The things I learnt from you. I remember you wanted me to iron your slack pants and I had never ironed slacks in my life. Even without you using your hands because they couldn't move...with instructions you explained to me how I should do it and til today I iron slacks perfectly. You laughed at me and said that your husband will be a happy man and I remember saying I aint ironing for anyone else but you!
I also remember how you still remembered so much about medicine even though you had stopped practicing for a year or 2 years ever since your hands couldn't move. On the flight to Kashmir you thought me about anti-hypertensives, their mechanism of action and side effects. The types there were and explained to me how you remembered it in a very logical way. I was so awed by the way there was this twinkle in your eye when you spoke about medicine and explained about diseases.
I miss those times, when I used to sleep next to you in Kashmir because at night when you needed to change your position you couldn't move your arms to the side. So i would help you move your arms once you turned your body and make sure there was a pillow between your arm and your body to ensure that the blood and lymphatic flow was good. It prevented your hands from swelling up the next day and being stiff. Sometimes when you couldn't fall back asleep you would tell me stories of your youth...about your first crush, about med school about the friends you had and what you did for innocent fun and entertainment. You made me wish I was born in your time, where love was innocent and pure.
I just really miss you mama, there are a million things I can write about here. Words are just not enough. I wish I could talk to you on the phone again, hear your voice. It really hurts to know that you're gone. But I know you're watching. Deep down inside I can feel you. I know you'll be sad that i'm crying and sad but I hope you know I can't help it. I just feel so lonely and I wish I hadn't left UK and spent more time with family through this rough period.
You thought me that no matter how rotten or mean siblings can be you love them because they are family. I miss my sister a lot too, though I never mention it to anyone or ever tell her. But I just cant talk to her because I'm afraid she is going to hurt me again. I tried but I just couldn't. I was thinking about how when she was a little girl and things were just perfect. Too bad perfection can never last forever. I miss that baby lil fatty Roshani of mine. I feel as if someone ripped her away from me forever you know mama, its like just painful. I'm sure you'll know a lot more about sibling love because you loved your siblings more than your life. I think i got that same trait as you but I wish I hadn't because it would hurt so much less than it does now.
I hope you're doing okay, I'm sure you met Beji and Baji after a long time. Must be nice meeting your parents after so many years. I'm sure you've been busy telling them about how you led your life and its details. Don't forget to tell Beji that my mom says I am a lot like her, I think of others more than myself. She said Beji was always like that too. How is the view of the world from where you are? I'm sure you can see me! I look into the sky somethings and find the brightest star that is flickering knowing that that is you. I know you're prolly a little upset with me cuz I'm crying and you're thinking stop because your injured eye is getting strained. Even on your death bed you kept asking if I got your eye medication. Yes I did mama, i brought back a whole years supply.
I met a lot of your friends this time to Bupi mama, Uncle Hamid, Uncle Rathod, Uncle Vashisht and so many others. I also read Uncle veeru's letter about how much he loves you and the book with all the messages from your patients. I am so proud honestly and my god you had so many admirers. I knew you were a lady killer mama but even men were so fond of you! I even met a patient of your 87 year old lady who has nothing but good things to say about you. Dr.Hanan also really really cared for you and spoke about the first time she met you in your OT room and you told her that this was YOUR OT and she should go find another one. Hahaha. You are too cute mama.
I feel much better now talking to you, honestly. I've just been trying hard not to think about it by putting my thoughts into work or music. But when I do think about you being gone forever, all that pain and sorrow just tumbles upon my head and I just break out crying. The good thing is I cry alone and can't cry infront of anyone! I look so ugly when I cry.
Anyways, I'm going to go to sleep. Got to go to a Christmas part tomorrow evening.
I miss you so much, If you're not too busy please do come in my dreams. I dreamt of you once briefly but I would love to talk to you in my dreams and give you a hug too!
Love you always Bupi mama,
Chandabee :)
PS: Since you love white lilies I hope you liked the picture :)
I'm just exhausted being brave for a while, I wish I could just let go and cry out and scream but I don't have anyone who I trust enough to do that with. I remember in Kashmir I was quite upset about something and i cried to you and you were so comforting. You told me that Chandni life has never been easy for anyone and that the fact that I had made it through my past was an amazing achievement. You told me if I made it through all that, I shouldn't let what people say get to me because they don't know my battle and what I've been through. You told me to ignore what they say and to just keep going and one day I would prove them wrong. I wish you were here to comfort me now cuz I'm all alone in my room crying my eyes out.
I was thinking about our Kashmir trip and how much priceless time I got to spend with you by being your right hand woman. I wish it was longer than two months. The things I learnt from you. I remember you wanted me to iron your slack pants and I had never ironed slacks in my life. Even without you using your hands because they couldn't move...with instructions you explained to me how I should do it and til today I iron slacks perfectly. You laughed at me and said that your husband will be a happy man and I remember saying I aint ironing for anyone else but you!
I also remember how you still remembered so much about medicine even though you had stopped practicing for a year or 2 years ever since your hands couldn't move. On the flight to Kashmir you thought me about anti-hypertensives, their mechanism of action and side effects. The types there were and explained to me how you remembered it in a very logical way. I was so awed by the way there was this twinkle in your eye when you spoke about medicine and explained about diseases.
I miss those times, when I used to sleep next to you in Kashmir because at night when you needed to change your position you couldn't move your arms to the side. So i would help you move your arms once you turned your body and make sure there was a pillow between your arm and your body to ensure that the blood and lymphatic flow was good. It prevented your hands from swelling up the next day and being stiff. Sometimes when you couldn't fall back asleep you would tell me stories of your youth...about your first crush, about med school about the friends you had and what you did for innocent fun and entertainment. You made me wish I was born in your time, where love was innocent and pure.
I just really miss you mama, there are a million things I can write about here. Words are just not enough. I wish I could talk to you on the phone again, hear your voice. It really hurts to know that you're gone. But I know you're watching. Deep down inside I can feel you. I know you'll be sad that i'm crying and sad but I hope you know I can't help it. I just feel so lonely and I wish I hadn't left UK and spent more time with family through this rough period.
You thought me that no matter how rotten or mean siblings can be you love them because they are family. I miss my sister a lot too, though I never mention it to anyone or ever tell her. But I just cant talk to her because I'm afraid she is going to hurt me again. I tried but I just couldn't. I was thinking about how when she was a little girl and things were just perfect. Too bad perfection can never last forever. I miss that baby lil fatty Roshani of mine. I feel as if someone ripped her away from me forever you know mama, its like just painful. I'm sure you'll know a lot more about sibling love because you loved your siblings more than your life. I think i got that same trait as you but I wish I hadn't because it would hurt so much less than it does now.
I hope you're doing okay, I'm sure you met Beji and Baji after a long time. Must be nice meeting your parents after so many years. I'm sure you've been busy telling them about how you led your life and its details. Don't forget to tell Beji that my mom says I am a lot like her, I think of others more than myself. She said Beji was always like that too. How is the view of the world from where you are? I'm sure you can see me! I look into the sky somethings and find the brightest star that is flickering knowing that that is you. I know you're prolly a little upset with me cuz I'm crying and you're thinking stop because your injured eye is getting strained. Even on your death bed you kept asking if I got your eye medication. Yes I did mama, i brought back a whole years supply.
I met a lot of your friends this time to Bupi mama, Uncle Hamid, Uncle Rathod, Uncle Vashisht and so many others. I also read Uncle veeru's letter about how much he loves you and the book with all the messages from your patients. I am so proud honestly and my god you had so many admirers. I knew you were a lady killer mama but even men were so fond of you! I even met a patient of your 87 year old lady who has nothing but good things to say about you. Dr.Hanan also really really cared for you and spoke about the first time she met you in your OT room and you told her that this was YOUR OT and she should go find another one. Hahaha. You are too cute mama.
I feel much better now talking to you, honestly. I've just been trying hard not to think about it by putting my thoughts into work or music. But when I do think about you being gone forever, all that pain and sorrow just tumbles upon my head and I just break out crying. The good thing is I cry alone and can't cry infront of anyone! I look so ugly when I cry.
Anyways, I'm going to go to sleep. Got to go to a Christmas part tomorrow evening.
I miss you so much, If you're not too busy please do come in my dreams. I dreamt of you once briefly but I would love to talk to you in my dreams and give you a hug too!
Love you always Bupi mama,
Chandabee :)
PS: Since you love white lilies I hope you liked the picture :)
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