Stuck

( this picture is not mine, taken from one of my fave poets Christopher poindexter) 

Hello world, it's been a while! For starters I've been really busy with med school. Postings are getting shorter but with the same workload so it's been pretty hectic. I started gym for like three weeks and then stopped for a week cuz my periods got really heavy. I've been having my periods for 5weeks now and its going to the 6th week. It's crazy trust me, I've been emotional, I get tired so easily and my haemoglobin level dropped by 1.2. When I went for my full medical check up a month ago it was 11.2 but now it's 10. I'm so afraid that the anaemia symptoms are coming and if the symptoms become apparent I'll need to get blood transfusion. So I just started my iron and folic acid tablets.

My blood report also shows that I've got some infection cuz the white blood cell count is pretty high and nw I'm on antibiotics. I would go to th gynaecologist but I'm so sick of getting hormone pills which make me feel so shit about myself.

Frankly speaking, I don't care what anyone has to say about me. But when I start to look down on myself that's when I know that it's gonna get so shit if I continue the pills. I've had experience with them. Currently I look pale and sickly but hey, the iron pills should make my haemoglobin back to normal. I've only been wanting to sleep and I'm so damn exhausted right now.

Then my mom and I had an argument and I just didn't wanna speak to her. I don't ever complain about how sad or upset I feel about everything that has happened or is happening. I don't make myself the victim because I feel I am better than that. But when my mom does that and says things like "you don't know what I'm going through" or " I am sick of all this" and many other things she says. Just because I don't go on about how depressed I am. Because I am depressed but I'm fighting it as hard as I can. I wish I could push my mother to be similar but thanks to my asshole of a dad she is just stuck in being this depressed woman. Also the death of my uncle has really affected her. 

I miss my uncle a lot, last time when things didn't go well I would call him and discuss about stuff at home. He always had such positive things to say to me that would really give me the strength to go on. Now I try to live by his words and the memories he has left me with. I wish I could find someone like my uncle who would be a pillar for me.sadly everyone just takes me for granted, expects me to always be there for them and help them and motivate them but not one person ever motivates me. It's alright though...I'm used to being on my own these days. It's so much easier to deal with it,

Then my brother starts an argument with my mom since morning and as I was sleeping the whole time I could hear it and then I got tired of it. I went to stop it and then my brother starts arguing with me. So sick of all this shit I really want to run out.  I'm just so exhausted of dealing with everyone's issues. I mean seriously the baggage is getting heavy like really really heavy, and it's sad I can't even share it with anyone cuz I don't really trust anyone and also cuz I can't express how I feel in words. Hence I write and write hoping that one day someone who understand my music shall not just read my words but feel them.

I haven't been even able to sleep properly for the past 3-4weeks for some reason. I get crazyyyyy dreams about people in my past and that just isn't helping either. Had a dream that one of my friends who I don't talk to or rather she stopped talking to me cuz of something so damn petty....was pregnant and all alone and I randomly bumped into her outside my Subang condo with this Chinese dr. I knew. She was paying him for apt he abortion he did. Longggg storyyyy and I rather not just write it here. I woke up quite sad and upset.but hey, my night was already ruined.

Next is psychiatry posting and I don't know if I can actually go through it because I live with people with psychiatric issues and I myself might be depressed. How do I handle other people like that for 4weeks? 

I have no idea, but hopefully I don't give up on myself. Cuz somehow it seems easier to do so now that ever.