In the air, like I just don't care.

Suddenly, up in the air I feel so free. I can be myself, I can finally be me. Without a worry in my head and no sorrows to feel. Like a bird soaring high in the sky I feel. The air fresh as the morning dew on my face. I am finally at  ease like a thirsty horse who finally found a river to drink. Life plays funny games with us, sometimes it give pain but other times it gives pleasure. All I feel is wind in my hair and the cold air kissing my skin slowly giving me goosebumps. As I fly, I pass over the deep blue sea I feel alive. So beautiful this world is indeed, if only this beauty remained forever in reality. The clouds felt as soft as silk, like big cotton balls floating in  the baby blue sky. My mind had no thoughts, no worries, no sadness and no pain. My soul had no darkness as it was brightened by the sun rays. The sunshine shone on me and kept me warm. Felt like a warm blanket which cuddled me with love. Nature was calling me to be one with it, to embrace it with love. The demons somehow were not there and my soul, heart and mind felt like my own. I finally felt happy, so this is how it felt. I was finally free, flying high in the air with no worries. I did not know the taste of freedom was so sweet, like nectar collected for the queen bee. I was queen of my own life however short it would be. Holidays are just a quick getaway but reality will forever stay.  

Kintsukuroi

I know it's been a long time since I've actually updated my blog but that's only cuz 4th year was crazy and I'm now finally done. So on Sep 2nd I will officially be a 5th year student.

I wish I could actually say that this year was easy, but honestly it wasn't. Pain makes people stronger they say, it's true but it also leaves broken souls and lots of scars behind. For someone like me life has been testing me for the past 8 years or so and the tests have gotten harder each time. I sometimes wonder how did I survive til now? The only answer I have is because I don't want to be like every other person who gives up, I want to be the girl who despite all the shit made it in the real world.

It's been 8 months since I first lost my uncle and it still feels empty. But a lot of the times I feel like he is helping me or with me especially during times of difficulty. He's my guardian angel. I've been having a few dreams of him and he can walk in them and that is most important because watching my uncle for 2weeks suffering, unable to eat or drink, bedridden, confused and on morphine it has scarred me for life and everytime I see a patient in the ICU I think of my uncle. The last few days he had were honestly so hard on us all. In the end I'm glad atleast in my dreams he walks and talks and laughs. 

I've also been having menstruation issues. My uterus has a damn mind of its own. I am probably one of the few women who bleed continuously for 3-4weeks and am alive. Especially the last 2-3periods I've had. I am currently anaemic, was on iron and folic acid tablets the last time. Right now, it's the worst it has been, massive clots and it's kinda freaking me out. My previous gynaecologist always says it's stress, bla bla bla but I mean for the past 3yrs it's the same damn story. So I've decided to see another gynaecologist this week and hopefully it's just hormonal. It might be fibroids or polyps? I have no damn idea. Whatever it may be if I have to take damn hormone tablets I'm gonna be damn depressed. I mean hasn't life tortured me enough already? And I've started gymming again despite this current situation eventhough I'm breathless, dying or I feel like I'm gonna faint i continue to strive for my goal which is to use the elliptical machine and lose 400cals a day minimum! Gymming really does make me happy and less depressed. I've been having such crazy changes in mood from crying while watching shitty bollywood movies, to shouting at my mom and snapping at her which I usually never do. After I feel guilty and say sorry like a stupid girl. I also feel disgusted with myself, my face my body basically how I look. I couldn't look in the mirror for a while but since I started gymming and dancing daily I feel a little better. But overall if I start damn hormone pills I gotta burn 800cals a day cuz they make you gain weight and I cannot afford that. Wasting my youth on studying and stupid health and I don't look or feel good because of this. Ridiculous really! 

Well there is always good news, my brother finally agreed to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation because I felt he might have bipolar disorder. So atleast him going for an evaluation made my day really. The appointments tomorrow with Dr.Xavier who is the only dr. I would trust really. And he was an excellent lecturer when he was in mahsa! He honestly was so delighted and called me personally to ask me to make an appointment. Gives me hope in humans you know, cuz i don't believe in them anymore. I know a friend who once said she loves animals more because they're better than humans, she was right! 

I honestly have been so bored, I wanted to go explore KL on my own next week, by then hopefully my health is better after the appointment. I wanna capture the city life in pictures. I don't own a DSLR but my normal camera or my iPad will do. I just want a solo trip, yeah I know I've become quite an introvert. I just wanna find myself and do things to see the world in a different light, like a gypsy. I swear I absolutely love travelling. I just hope going by public transport I won't get harassed like I usually do. 

Another epic thing is I finally joined driving school. Ofcourse I would rather prefer not driving but my moms been on my back and I've got no choice. It's good also I guess. Due to Raya, the 6hr talk was postponed to 9th August and a week later is the computer test. World beware this rockstars gonna be driving! I know right, I of all people finally decided to learn driving. Dhiva and my mom made a bet I'll be 40 when I wanna learn and I'll prolly get some boyfriend to drive me around. So they lost the bet really. But truthfully speaking yes I would love to have a boyfriend drive me around, it helps with the bonding!

I've also been seeing a lot of my lovely friends lately and this lot is really what keeps me going. Lauren, Kumu, Dhiva, Suba, Cheryl, Michelle, Daim, Tharma, Harmin, Hari, Olive, Kath, Vengz, Rani, Rebecca! I don't know what I would do without these people who make me smile whenever we meet. I also wanna go to Lust atleast once this holiday, go watch a live band performance in one of those bars maybe rockafellas, oldschool bistro, wherever and I wanna catch my all time fave singer Bala at Waikiki's on Friday since he plays every Friday! Oh and sushi buffet with my people! 

My sister also came a few times and surprisingly she's matured. Thank god honestly I never thought this day would come but it did. She was much more calm and relaxed. Infact she helped me to calm down the other day when I was snapping at my mom. I was shocked but in a good way. Hopefully this positive change keeps getting better. She also sat for her O'levels and is waiting for her results :) I always feel all this is thanks to Bupi mama! He always had faith in her and told me to keep mine and always said she was made for big things In life. A lot of the things he mentioned before he passed and during the days I was there in his confusion state have actually come true. Weird I know.i guess when you're on your death bed you just know something's.

I believe no matter what life throws at you, you accept it with a smile and show the son of a B**** that you're gonna make the most of it and walk out alive. I mean come on, you're talking about me the girl who walked through hell and made it alive while cerebus watched in awe. So heck, whatever may come my way I'm ready to take it on. Seriously I've been at the lowest of the lows, left all alone with people who I thought were my friends people who I trusted, I've been hurt by a lover who I thought was my soulmate, I've lost parts of my family to the world as well as death and I've had a million problems with my body and yet I stand here. So really can anything put me down? Nah, I'm too vogue for that shit. 

As the Japanese believe the breakage and repair of an object become a part of its history, rather than something to disguise.

So I don't disguise my wounds or scars, I flaunt them with pride!

So let's just say, if you want to cross my path you better beware cuz not only do I bite, I fight for the right too! ;) 

Yin-Yang

(This picture is not drawn by me but was taken from Pinterest)

Those who know me well enough know that I'm a little old school. People prefer to read rappers like 50cent's books "get rich or die trying", books about weird sexual habits "50 shades of Gray" or some even prefer books written by video vixens on their sex lives with famous musicians. But I, I am a sucker for poetry..yeah you can call me a hopeless romantic, Shakespeare wannabe or whatever you feel but a good poem that touches the soul and kisses the heart makes me so happy. It's this amazing elevated feeling you get inside. It doesn't have to be a romantic poem, it could be a sad one, a one about rain, about people, about anything but if it's from the heart I know I'll love it.

So far, I've not had any guy write me a poem, but Ive had a hate rap written about me...my reaction to that? As a wise man once said hate and love are two sides of the same coin. Sometimes you hate someone because you love them and sometimes those you love make you hate them. So I would take the hate rap as a compliment, only cuz I'm a rockstar like that.

Why I'm talking about poetry is because when I was going to UK last year before my uncle passed, I was so upset, distraught and alone. And travelling alone really didn't help. I wanted to cry and wail throughout. I did for the first flight, because I was so scared to what I would see when I get to UK. But I had a transition at Dubai for 8hours. And at that lonely time, poetry was something that I had to keep me company and I wrote a poem which elevated that loneliness and I was comfortable and I had accepted the truth that sometimes no matter how much you love a person, it's not enough and you don't always end up with them. The point of that is to learn from the experience and be thankful that you actually experienced such a wonderful feeling like love because many people in a life time do not experience true love. Anyways fact of life, nothing lasts forever...not even life itself. So I wrote this on the 27/11/2013 at Dubai airport. I personally feel it's one of my fave pieces because a whole story is told and it elevated me from feeling the way I did before writing this. I call it,

"Yin-Yang"

Once there lived,

A lonely heartbroken man,

He had many hidden fears and worries,

From which he ran.

He pent up all his rage,

Within his soul,

Forever caged,

He kept his happiness and love.

He longed for the one,

Who would lift his weight,

And free him from,

His wicked fate.

One fine day,

As he observed,

He lay his eyes,

Upon this girl

She had a light,

In her eyes,

She had the key,

To lock the demons inside.

Her soul was pure,

She had no fear,

She was the cure,

She was finally here.

Her smile could erase,

All that pain,

Her love could cast,

The dark shadows away.

He built up his courage,

To tell her his fate,

She told him to hold on,

Because it still wasn't too late.

You will save yourself,

She said,

She gave him her light,

Without a doubt ahead.

They were happy together for sometime,

In their safe love haven,

Then came the darkness,

Bringing a bad omen,the deadly raven.

His fate caught him by surprise,

His darkness was free,

His soul was tortured from deep inside,

And this was clearly seen.

She cried tears of blood,

She mourned her loss,

While he didn't care about her anymore,

His love was lost.

She kept fighting,

To help save his soul,

But the shadows of the valley of death,

Had swallowed him whole.

He wasn't the man she once knew,

He hurt others and enjoyed seeing them in agony,

He abused and used,

She had lost the battle far too soon.

Their paths parted,

Where once they were the same,

He became cold-hearted,

While she gave up on the game.

She hasn't heard from him since,

She hopes he's happy,

Wherever he lives,

Or with whomever he's with.

Her soul was left tainted,

With all that pain,

She held on hard,

To not lose herself or go insane.

She had the power,

To destroy the world,

She had the magic,

To rule this earth.

But she knew,

What her purpose was,

She knew she had to hold on,

No matter what.

She built her strength,

With all her might,

She built her walls,

With diamonds & binded them with light.

There was no space,

For any more mistakes,

She could not bear,

Anymore darkness or hate.

Now she sits,

Like a queen on her throne,

Her soul has healed,

And once again her eyes shone.

She was now ready,

To take on this vicious world,

To eradicate the demons,

Feeding on innocent souls.

Never will she love again,

The way she did,

Never will she give her light,

So carelessly with such free will.

She has forgiven,

But can never forget,

She will not repeat history,

nor regret.