I've been meaning to write this particular blog post, for the last 2 days but I just haven't been able to express myself. Writing is the only way I let things out but I just didn't know how to write without becoming an emotional wreck.
For starters, My weekend was horrible. My arse of a brother irritated me so damn much. I know everyone thinks that brothers or sisters who are younger are generally irritating but mine is kinda Bipolar. Well at least I think he has a psychiatric problem because his mood swings are worse than us women on periods.
For starters, this week he's got something against women. So he's been calling me all kinda disgusting words and instead of Chandni he calls me WHORE or shall I say "Jahi" which must be some afghan or Iranian name for whore. He said a lot of other disgusting things which I just cant make myself type over here. I don't get what I did, but oh well. I kinda gave up on my sister and I've come to conclusion that I need to give up on my brother. I know he isn't mentally stable but he's giving me mental torture and I don't want to end up in an asylum myself really. Some chick prolly rejected him or some gal he was dating prolly ended things. He has these stupid ass phases and frankly speaking I sometimes wonder why I even come home to this shit. I should just shut the fuck up and stay in titiwangsa.
I came home after a hard week of exams, cramps due to periods which I got after 3 damn months...and I saw maggots around the dustbin in the kitchen. HORRIFIED I WAS! I mean how fucking lazy can you get that you cant throw the damn trash out. Maggots only come on rotting flesh or meat and for them to be all over you must be a fucking pig living in a dumpster. Thank god on Saturday the maid came and cleaned everything and when she left the house looked like a house again.
I don't know why he gets so aggressive. he says ridiculous things like, I'm a man and you're just a impure woman, you were just made to fuck nothing else. This is just one of the disgusting things he says to me.
For Friday night and Saturday night, I cried my eyes out. I cried myself to sleep. Mom's in UK and she's prolly only gonna come back in Jan or god knows when and I've never felt so damn lonely in this country as I've felt since July. I'm stuck in a house-full of strangers.
The other day I saw my sister at times square, I could barely recognize her. I spoke to her and i told her how i felt about her ruining her life. And she just nodded and said love ya chand and left. As soon as I turned around, I started to tear and I was controlling myself from crying. It had been what 4-5 months since I had seen her. Thank God I wasn't alone, Venga poor guy had to take care of me and calm me down. I just teared and teared and I couldn't stop.
I used to think I'm strong, but now I wonder have all these people who've hurt me and taken me for granted actually made me a weaker person? Will I break soon? Can I take all this any longer? Will i give up soon?
I have no answer to any of the questions above, but I tell myself everyday that if my uncle can still be happy, cheerful and love other when he is practically always lying down in bed and has to be fed, cleaned ,etc...I know I can surely get through this. I have to get through this, I just cannot give up.
For the past two nights, I was afraid to sleep in my own house. My brother didn't sleep for 2 whole nights and I don't know how someone can not go psychotic without sleeping. I've also had these weird dreams about someone I don't want to dream about. I haven't dreamt of that person in a long time and to suddenly dream such intense dreams, it freaked me out. Maybe waking up alone every morning and hoping the day would be different just got a little sickening and subconsciously I dreamt about the time I felt safest when I woke up. Maybe? i don't know. I even had a dream in a dream and it still had the same person in it.
Sometimes we humans, create bonds which we feel are broken but in actuality and in the subconscious mind those bonds are still there. We may choose to ignore that or we may not. Its all up to us anyways.
Sometimes when I'm sitting all alone, I think of all the happy times I've had in the last 5 years and i try to make myself feel better. It usually works but may be sometimes I subconsciously end up longing for those times to come back.
I really miss my mom. Its been 4 months since I've seen her. I realized that not having her around makes me feel like a foreigner in this country, a stranger in my house and I feel like an orphan. My dad isn't exactly the best dad, he isn't there emotionally or physically for me. My brother has officially gone mad. My sister is living a delusional life of a Iranian movie star and I'm well just stuck in an awkward place with no place to call home, no person to call my own and no place where I feel safe.
Right now the only thing that is keeping me sane would be my own damn will and the happiness I get from what I learn at the hospital everyday. Paediatric surgery was so amazing, I enjoyed it so damn much. Little children who have illnesses and leave happy and well. There are also cases of little children who have cancers and I felt so sad for them. At such a tender age they've had to face so much of pain and confusion.
For my exam, I had a 3 year old malay boy with a malignant tumour growing at his supra-pubic region and he was such a cutie pie. It was suspected to be a type or sarcoma, maybe rhabdomyosarcoma. Hopefully it hasn't metastasized because if it hasn't he has a good prognosis of surviving. He was such a cutie, I left him a little ball as a present. He had gone for his CT scan as he had vomited for some reason. I just pray they remove the tumours and there is NO metastasis to the lungs, brain, bladder or bone. Children make me happy, funny thing is because even when theyre so sick they are still playful and still smile if you pull their strings the right way. To be around them makes me want to do paediatric surgery :) I don't know yet. I might even specialize in that. Funny this is, I used to hate having to deal with children. But I realized the happiness they bring to you from their cuteness, their innocence and their beauty its unremarkable.
In life we see a lot, and for my age I think I've seen a lot of pain, torture and the dark side of people and this world. But I've also seen miracles, happiness and innocence which makes me have a little hope at least.
I feel like a damn vagabond but heck I gotta deal with it. No one is gonna come baby me or care for me but myself. So i have to survive. I have to admit, not caring or sharing my pain and burden with people has made it harder for me to express myself and how I feel. I bottle most of it up as I've lost enough people to know that No one cares about the problems you face and the ones who do care get sick of it and walk away. So I rather just suck it up. Its become second nature for me to do so anyway.
I know I had once place I felt warm and I could call home but that too has abandoned me.
I've gotta face everything on my own whether I'm ready or not.
Either way, I've got my weapons ready!
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