Welcome.

Today I have to say, hasn't been such a good day. I've got alot on my mind and I've got no one but myself to talk about it. Even if i did talk to anyone they wouldn't understand. Its not as simple as A B C for me. Its not 2 + 2...its more like an engineering math or physics question. Where if you get one step wrong, everything else just is plain wrong.

I talked to my uncle today, his condition is getting worse. He can't walk around by himself anymore. The disease has gotten to his right leg and he feels his left leg is soon gonna be next. its hard to see someone I look up to for strength to be at his weakest point. This sinister disease is going to turn him into a vegetable and soon stop his breathing and he has to fight the urge of becoming depressed and being dependent on people which he never was before.

My mom took it quite hard today. She's been shouting, nagging and threatening us that she is going to leave. She's been so cranky and she's been crying all day. Its hard to see other cry and not cry even though you want to inside...you can't cry because it'll only make matters worse. That's the hardest part, not breaking.

I doubt you would understand, for starters I would never want anyone to be in my life. Its a very rough one and i wouldn't wish even an enemy to get a life like mine. I've lost parts of my heart and soul which I sometimes fear I may never get back. But its all part and parcel of life at the end of the day.

So my mom and I argued because she just kept telling me that she is doing all the house work and bla bla bla and Im not doing anything. I mean i'm new to this housework thing and honestly I don't get premonitions of what to do..I told her to tell me what has to be done. I don't have that maternal instinct, I'm just a teen who was forced to grow up years ago..but this cleaning thing is all darn new.

So I kept quiet and I took it the whole day. I took all that complaining and just kept quite and reassured her. This has been going on for the past 3-4 days and I've just kept quiet but today it was just getting worse.

To top that off, The biggest baddest bitch is back home cuz she broke up with her boyfriend or god knows who or what and needs a place to stay. When she's home, the ambiance around the house is so morbid and dark and everyone is just extra sensitive. So obviously she shouts occasionally just to create drama and the usual shit she makes people do, basically fight.

So i've been zoning out, watching series on my laptop cuz I just wanna get away from the shouting and the nonsense around.

So my mom starts complaining about that and shouts at me. I just lost it and I just took my stuff and moved back to my room. I've been sleeping with my mom the past few weeks. I just couldn't take it anymore. I held back my tears and locked my room. I washed my face and tears just built up in my eyes.

I just wanted to sit down and cry by myself. A million names of people I once trusted came into my head...i wanted to call them and have a little chat thinking maybe they can make me feel a little better. But I reminded myself how these same people had abandoned me and I'd rather cry by myself and get over it than talk to some one and hear that person blab about it to others the next day at class or whatever.

So just as I was about to cry, my mother knocks on my door. I'm just thinking wow, I guess I'm the punching bag of the day yet again. She's pissed with my sister and upset about my uncle and I get the shouting. So i wiped the tears which were still in my eyes and opened the door.

There my mom stood, crying and she uttered "I'm sorry chand", and she hugged me and cried again. She's just so upset about my uncle's condition that it got the best of her.
I told her not to worry and told her that its easy to cry and crying wont do anything and that she should nor cry and be strong for my uncle atleast.

I held back my tears, eventhough i wanted to just pour my tears out. I wanted to keep crying til my eyes would become puffy and sting.
But I sucked it all up, and held back my tears and tried to make my mom stop her crying.

I became that pillar of strength, that pillar that can't break even though I wanted to.

I took my stuff back to my mother's room and here I am writing my second blog post of the day hoping it'll prevent me from crying and then breaking down.

Welcome to my Life.