Its just one of those days, where I'm in a really bad mood and I have no damn idea why. May be its flashes of the past, present and the future that got me stuck in this zone and its hard to get out. I'm just awfully tired of the usual nonsense and I feel so damn tired of carrying it everywhere that I just wanna be free and fly.
To most people who don't know what goes on in my life, this is probably just nonsense to you.I suggest you just close the page and do something else which is worth you time. because this shit's gonna get emo, and I haven't been emo for a LONGGGG time.
Lately, things seem to be so routined and I'm so bored with the free time I have. I mean I sleep, once in a while go out with friends and may be study but I want more to life than that. I wanna take up kickboxing, I wanna do salsa and I wanna take up drum classes again! Its been too long I wanna have some sort of excitement.
I know I have a lot of faith in humans and about how good they are, but there are days when I am just so damn disappointed with them that I don't see why the world didn't end on 21/12/2012!! In fact with the way things are these days and how people are turning out to be, I see a doomed world full of selfish shitty people in the future. Excuse my foul language, I'm just not in the mood to sound pleasant :)
I've always wondered how parents have unconditional love for their children. I am amazed at mothers and how much they sacrifice for their children. I know many people who's fathers have done so much for them. I just can't say the same about my father. The other day him and I had a very heated argument and it left me so shocked I had no words to say. The words he said and the fact he meant them, made me so angry and yet I was so hurt. I then realized some people are just emotionally blunt and even if they have a blood relation to people they still don't care about them. They want to see their loved ones suffer and suffer some more and they get joy out of it. He said something that night, that hit me hard and something I'll never forget..
I know I may be all alone right now, with no one by my side and no one to lean on. No one to wipe away my tears when I'm down or help me carry half my baggage so my journey forward is just a little lighter. I know, but you did not have to rub it in my face that I'm alone here and that I'll suffer for the rest of my life. Not like I've not been suffering for the past 6 years. The fact you're so vile to wish such a thing upon your daughter..just makes me so sad and yet at the same time i pity you, cuz I doubt I'll ever care about you ever again.
I've given my love to many people, I've sacrificed alot for people I love and sadly in return I've only gotten pain. Lots and lots of pain. The pain now has just scarred me for life and I've come to a conclusion that love from what you do can be substituted with the love you want or get from people. The amount of love i feel from some patients who I talk to, is just so beautiful that it motivates me to keep going, be more happy and live life. Especially recently, I've talked to this one catholic indian malyalee man who is HIV+ but he was such a joy to talk to and from his life story I learn't so much. He is only 48 years old and he was in critical condition but I think the HAART treatment has started to improve his health. I just hope he lives long enough to live a few of his dreams. People with such life experiences always touch my heart. I don't know why the public looks at people who have HIV in such a demeaning manner. I mean they could have gotten it from a spouse, from sharing a needle, from blood transfusion. Sex isn't the only way to get HIV. And it could be anyone of us, its just luck I must say. You can't be so negative towards people like that. In fact you should be thankful that you're still safe. I really like infectious diseases and enjoyed the internal medicine posting. My first choice is surgery, a urologist in particular..but my second choice is Infectious Disease for sure and third choice is being a psychiatrist. Though Prof Xavier did mention, that I should be careful as such a nice and pretty psychiatrist like me could be lethal for the patients. He always says things that make my day :)
Prof Xavier in fact gave Rebecca and I a lift to JUC campus the other day and we had an intellectual conversation as always :) I truly enjoy such conversations I must say! Next elective I might do my electives at Prof Xavier refugee center. It would truly be an amazing experience.
Sorry to bore the life out of you people by talking about medical stuff, but the impact of it on my life is so large that it comes up very often.
I recently went to a Pakistani wedding and I heard a girl who's like 24 is getting married. Pakistani's women in general marry early and they were all discussing marriage. Damn I felt awkward and when they asked me I was like I don't know, not anytime soon. Maybe 30 after I have already specialized or am on the way to specialize And if I don't find anyone who I love or can love me..I'll just adopt a child and live for him/her and my career. The look on their faces was PRICELESS. I think they were just as shocked as I was when I heard a working, smart 24 year old was getting married at the peak of her career. Haha, Me being me i just couldn't lie and had to say what was on my mind basically the truth.
Then I came home and I told mom about this, she was like why did you say that? I was like why not?
She then started nagging at me about how I should keep saying I'll never find love or get married cuz it might just come true and she said i'll end up being all alone. I was so annoyed by what she said cuz well for starters I have loved and lost and I know how hard it is to feel the same way about anyone. And also, so what if I don't find someone why can't I just adopt a child and work. I rather make a difference in the world by being a doctor who is independent .than having a bad marriage and not being able to help anyone. I've seen so many married people..old, young and new, and all i can say is no one stays happy forever something or the other comes up and it either separates them, creates a distance between them or just makes them force each other to be with each other. All of the above are things I do not want. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and enjoys it. I want someone who understands me and can accept me for my flaws and love me for everything I am. I want someone who is willing to be there for me the way I am willing to be there for him. And so far, I haven't come across anyone like that. I'm usually the giver, the heartbroken one and the one who tries to work things out. The other party just isn't bothered. So I told my mom that if its meant to be then i'll find someone..if its not then I won't. Plus I could always find a companion who I can live with and be with, is marriage always necessary? I love the idea of marriage but men don't. what can i do about that right?
So anyways mom was kinda freaked out and may be cuz I was in such an irritable mood yesterday I appeared to be really harsh but i mean i'm just being realistic. AND no damn way I'm ever having arranged marriage. HAHA what a joke. If things can't work out with people you love what makes the world think that things may work out with random strangers. Oh well, that's worth another blog post for another day.
Valentines Day is coming up, and thanks to my guy best friend DAIM who reminded me about how many dates I'd be having or atleast be asked out for some. I told him, I doubt anyone will ask and if random strangers ask its not counted. He disagrees and says that I'll definitely have a date. We will just have to wait and see. Besides not like I'm gonna mention who asked me and who I didn't say yes to on my blog. But if i do end up goin I'll say i went. And if i didn't I say I didn't.
After all Valentines day should be called VAGINA day cuz its the one day in the year where the sex rates are the highest AND after that the one week is also known for the highest break ups :) Oh and just in case it becomes the day and the week after where most people become pregnant and increase abortion rates. WEAR A CONDOM YOU SMART PEOPLE :)
Haha wow, from a emo blog this became quite a happy one. Boy do I feel better :) If i had internet on the weekdays I would write so often that you lot prolly get bored of me.
Then again, I'm Chandni...no one has gotten bored of me til date! haha after all I'm a rockstar.
Oh I'm planning to get my ankle skull candy tatt soon. I hope I get the courage to..cuz I'm skull obsessed!
I'm out!
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