Disappointed in Mankind, Disappointed in God.

There are some things in my life I feel will never change. For one is the insanity. I'm just so fed up with people and everything around me. I feel as if I'm being suffocated in this little pigeon hole.

The last couple of days have actually been good. I started working out again and eating healthy. I wanna be healthy and get to my size 10-12. But this is the least of my concerns now. I do 40 minutes dance and 40 minutes of gym 30min treadmill/cycling or the slider machine and 10 mins arm weights. I feel so much better..but as always nothing can keep me happy forever.

Today it was a good day, started off well and I did my workout and later some guests came over.

But as always, happiness just doesn't like me or decides to leave me just as I start to think life is bearable.
Its not easy at all, life is one of the most difficult things I face. To want to keep living is another difficult task and I am at constant war with myself internally. Lately things seem much better and I'm happier but as always happiness has to leave. Am I not worthy of it?

My brother has anger issues, my mother the poor soul is depressed and my sister well she's a whole different crazy but she isn't home most of the time so atleast that cuts the drama to half. I'm just so tired of being the one to deal with everything. It is so hard to stay sane in this insanity and I feel my grip is loosening.
Anger is something that can control a person to the extent that they don't realise what they are doing or saying. The things said hurt people around them. Its hard to deal with anger and I cant imagine the internal war a person faces when he or she has so much anger. Depression and the feeling of being all alone in a country can get people to lose hope and feel that this is the end...my mother feels it all the time. When my brother and her argue, she gets hysterical and it is so hard to control her. I get so worried that when I'm not at home, someone is gonna end up being killed in this house. Every one has a side of them that is dark, but people who love you usually bring out the lighter side and help control the dark side and show you that there are so many good things that can happen if they bring out the best in them..may be I'm just one of those people who bring out the darker side? May be I'm just not worth it. May be its just meant to be this way, I am supposed to suffer.

A lot of blood has been shed in this house, literally. A lot of pain has also been kept. I just don't get why every one becomes so selfish, in particular my siblings. I mean screw everything, what you believe in and what you want...she is your mother for god sakes, just don't argue even if you have a different opinion just shut up and keep it to yourself. I mean whats the use of trying to get it through to her? People have different opinions and we just have to accept it. I'm so exhausted, I ignore most things now but once in a while it hits me hard and I just fall into this lonely zone. Once upon a time, I had that someone special to share that loneliness with, since we were more like best friends and could talk about everything and anything. And as usual, hapiness only lasted for a short while and bam, he was gone. Its a good thing he left anyways, I'm such a burden, I'm troublesome and hapiness repels me. Eventhough his last move was a douchy one, he is better off with out me.

Back to why I talked about him, is because I realised after that I don't dare to share how I feel or what happens in my family or life with any one else. I don't trust people in general and I realised people frankly don't care, not the way I care about them. So I've just shut off. I can't open up about how I truly feel, I hardly even feel these days,..I just ignore. Things make me upset but I brush them off. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing at the moment but it helps me survive. I'm just so tired of holding on and taking care of everything that happens, to deal with such immense pain, pressure and the troubles of people that I have worn out..

Everyone breaks down and there are people..family, lover, friends who are there for them. Well I can't break down, I just can't. No one will catch me if I fall. Yes I have a few good friends but I just don't feel like troubling them and they've heard this a million times and I feel bad for them. Lover? HAH, out of the question. The one who I thought would "always be there" for me, well lets just say I rather him take care of his own shit than mine. He needs to help himself before he helps me. Everyone has their own pile of shit to carry. And friends, well I thought I had some close ones..but they too failed me. Its like out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. I did try, but I guess they are happier with out me too. Nah I don't blame them either. Again they are better off with out me.

The people who I sacrificed everything for, the ones I would give up anything and everything for...my family..well lets just say they look at me as if I'm the villain. My sister, well I haven't spoken to her for ages, I used to miss her and now i'm just numb..(can't feel remember) well she hates me and god knows whats going on in her head cuz she never wants to talk about it, or tell the truth. pathological liar may be? I don't know and just thinking about it gets me all anxious and upset so I'm gonna change topic...then there is my brother, well I know he loves me but he has a whole lot of anger inside him which he can't deal with and it is expressed in different ways that hurt me and my mom. His tale is too long and a weird one so I just rather not talk about it. The only one I know is always here for me is my momy but she's so scarred and emotionally unstable, that I am her pillar and I am her strength. So if i break down to her..she'll break down too and I cannot let that happen. My father, i don't even want to talk about him. He has lately been pissing me off so much, its insane. He rather me starve, while he does his shit. After his stent, he STILL smokes, STILL eats loads of freaking oil and STILL is an idiot. Worst doctor ever, worst patient ever. It is just stupid to argue with him, so I've given up. He wants to kill himself slowly, go ahead! I tried and tried but as usual he didn't listen. All the men in my life (my brother, dad,etc) all say they love me, but suck at showing it, infact they treat me like trash but think they love me... I guess i know how to pick em innit? Or may be they all just need help. In general, I am just disappointed in mankind and yet I go all out for them. They have failed me time and time again and I still don't know why I bother with them?

Well I just want one day, where I get to go out and really breathe easy without getting any calls saying someone is arguing, fighting, gonna kill the other..i just want some peace. I want to be able to live. its so hard, especially when I'm so scarred and so tired. I'm sad but I can't express it, I'm disappointed but i can't express it, I'm lonely and I can't express it.All I can do is write, and this took me ages to do as well. To all questions and every question...i usually end up saying "YEAH, I'M FINE..DONT WORRY" then I give a BIG grin and everyone believes me. I've become so good at hiding my feelings again like I used to that I should be given an oscar for my performance. i can laugh about it but inside i'm just like damn the pain I felt at this time. Oh wells, life goes on right? No one is ever there when you need them and that is life. A wise man once told me, "Life is such" and I now get it. I finally get it.
I come home on holidays and I have to go through hell and it mentally screws me and i've got a whole load of surgery to study from a book that weighs 5kg so you can prolly imagine how thick it is. What am I to do? My mood screws up, and I just can't study. sigh. I wish I had wings so when anything that annoys me happens I can fly off and cool down, then come back and handle that shit. But we live in the real world, then again what is real?

I want to break down, I want someone to take care of me for a change. Just be there for me. I have issues but deal with my issues and actually talk me through it. Advice me for a change since I'm always advising. But that's not going to happen, not any time soon anyways. If I break down and no one is gonna catch me...I'm gonna take a whole load of people with me..the ones who depend on me and I am just not selfish like that. So i will remain as I am, eventhough each breath feels like inhaling sulphur or acid..i will carry on cuz I'm better than that. I'm no ordinary person. I'm Chandni.

Now who to blame all this on? God? I have to say, I am so damn disappointed with God and if he does exist(yes now i do question his existence) I want him to know how I feel. Because I don't fear him. My hope in him because I love him so much. But time and time again when I've wailed for him to help me when I was in so much mental, physical and emotional torture...he never came. He never saved me. My mother prays every damn day, 4-5hours and yet he doesn't respond. My uncle the kindest soul i've ever met, he got diagnosed with motor neuron disease which has no cure and in the last 2yrs his arms have become like wooden planks..no movement, muscle wasting. And now i find out, 40% of his right leg has lost its motor function too. so samn unfair God, really? All the bad bastards and bitches get to live happily while the angels end up dying one by one? Why is life so unfair? is it all a lesson? why such painful lessons? Is this a challenge to see how far can all this go before Chandni decides to give up on everything?
Well I would love to give up, its my biggest desire...but I'm not selfish and I'm not pleasing you by giving up. There are so many other things I want to list, but my hands will get tired and again God wouldn't bother anyways.

I just wanted God to save me, but I realised no one saves you. You have to save yourself. Hence I'm here writing and not buried 6 feet under.

The only question left is will this sanity last, or will the insanity cause my gentle soul, loving heart and beautiful mind to be wasted?

Only time can tell.