The title is there, cuz I've been listening to Michael Jackson today. No idea why I'm in a sudden mood for his music. He was the king of pop and he had some amazing songs.
Now back to what I'm posting about, This post is a little random.
This week has been a very life changing week for me, reason being I've realised I've changed.
I'm now emotionless, empty and incapable of giving love. A part of me has died and now I only want to dedicate my life to my family, my education and myself.
First step I'm taking is to Love myself. I exercise atleast 4 times a week, and I eat healthy food, drink juices and dress up and feel great about myself. I just want to love myself again, like how i used to back in the Taylors Days. I was powerful then and now I'm going to get that power back.
The career and education part, is at the moment being taken care of. The past two tests I've been getting my B's...hopefully the next test coming up I also get a B or a B+. I'm aiming for an A- and I know I'll score fine.
The family part is the hardest, but I've decided I've got to put my foot down and find different ways to help them deal with whats going on as well as help myself. I'm going to glue each puzzle piece bit by bit.
Another thing I've come to terms with is, I'm not taking shit from anyone. I'm NOT going to let anyone step over me, or abuse me in anyway. I've had enough and I'm putting my foot down. If I can't stand something, I'm just going to walk away, or say whats in my mind and I don't give a rats ass about what the other person feels. Some may call it selfish, others may call it standing up for himself or herself. Take your pick.
Everyone comes to a point in life when they become numb. I have reached that part of my life. I am numb, I am emotionless and I am careless. I have set my goals and I will obtain them each and everyday. I have no space for love to break me or make me. Infact I am the only one who can make myself or break myself. I'm not putting my life in anothers hands anymore. I'm incapable of it, I tried and I feel that I just want to be alone, all my life. I can't think of marriage or children anymore. Kids grow up, become spoilt and do stupid things. Some even run away, and others end up being druggies and too into the high life filled with MONEY. And husbands, well they either cheat on their wives emotionally, mentally or just end up screwing the whole family over and NEVER admitting their mistakes and NEVER trying to fix things.
Hence my conclusion is, I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.
Just with me, myself and I.
Loneliness is a friend of mine, and I have become a loner. I like it like this, doing my own thing.
I don't have to live for people and live to meet their expectations. I live for myself now and I live to please myself. Doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks.
I am my own critic, I am my own friend, I am my own creator and I am my own destroyer.
Funny how life turns you over. Its sad that I had to break a heart, to achieve better for myself...but I had no choice, I am breaking and I have to work on myself. I can't be working on the whole world and slowly breaking and decaying on the inside. I just can't take the extra drama, the extra everything. I am numb, I am a zombie.period. I'm so preoccupied in my family problems that I can't breathe myself. I have to give all my energy to them and I just can't deal with more. But i'm making myself stronger day by day..and I hope down the road I'll be my old self, if not..then I'm just staying this way. I'm sorry I hurt you, but i realized I'm incapable of love giving or receiving. I just don't have tolerance anymore, and I think I've reached my peak. Thank you for everything though, You were wonderful and yeah, if we're meant to be then we will be, if not then we both will have to move on. Let life show us all the way.
Well thats just life, full of surprises.
And here the journey to find myself and find internal happiness begins to find the higher supreme being (oh boy do i sound like Buddha)
I hope I find nirvana, at least by the end of this life, which for me is probably short.
Chandni's dead, and Tanya's back to life.Just different, stronger and more of a fighter.
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