Today I studied my heart out :) Pharmaco and Patho! from 12 sumfin til 4.30pm. Ya i know right, Imma Rockstar \m/
Then Priya a.k.a the food junkie had her posting today and sshe didn't eat anything the whole day. So when she came back at arnd 5 we went to JayaOne to eat. Wait I had tuna sandwiches so Priya was the one eating! I love it when priya eats food, she makes it look so good and the fact she's so skinny and can eat so much makes me so happy! :D haha.
Anyways, so she ordered her seafood carbonara pasta, and we ordered a wedges with cheese sauce to share. I felt a little off today so I decided to get a long island. Most of friends would be cursing at me saying, "chandni when we ask you to drink with us you say no, but u rather drink alone? thanx la chand"
Haha sign of a loser or an alcoholic? well one thing for sure I aint no alcoholic...just a loser!
Well the first Long island that came was FREAKING STRONG, SO BITTER and just not my thing, so I asked the guy to add more juice.
The waiters face looked confused, and he was prolly thinking:
" Woah! First time a customer actually is asking for less alcohol...something is definitely wrong here."
I replied:
"haha, no its cause I don't drink...usually.."
Then i thought what a dumb thing to say when I actually ordered a cocktail and it contains alcohol obviously. When he returned, i tasted it, yes it was less stronger but still too strong for me..bitter!
To heck with that, I decided to just drink it anyway. When life hands you something, make the best of it!
I was fine til i came back to hostel! I felt heavy headed and hyper! :D
So I started to think about a few things. Well recently a friend of mine, who is like a brother to me..stopped talking to me.
Why? Well I myself do not know. I don't see a reason for him to stop talking to me. You wanna know something else, he deleted me off facebook even. Didn't reply my texts . When i approached him face to face. Well the first time, when i didn't know he had a problem with me I said HI waved and smiled my usual big fat smile, He just made a quick fake smile, waved half-heartedly and walked off. I was actually crossing the road to see him, but he just walked off. Ok i thought something was wrong, but then i thought it was lunch time and maybe he was going with his friends.
the second time, well it was in the library.. I tried talking to me and he just took a different route to avoid me. I thought hey something is definitely wrong. Well I tried talking to him but I was like, i better do it where there isn't such a huge audience so I let it go.
The third time, well i was walking out of the door from the swimming pool floor after gym and i saw him walking in to the same door. This time i took desperate measures. I stood in-front of the door and I wouldn't let him go through. I had 2 other friends with me..(who he said hi to as usual) i kept pushing him from moving towards the front of the door but him being bigger he managed too, shove me aside and force his way through.
This time i felt really hurt. It was as if someone smashed a glass bottle on my face, which caused my heart to shatter. He was a great friend, a good brother and a hilarious guy, why the sudden anger?
Whatever happened that night, wasn't my fault. I can't control another person's mind and their actions. It wasn't cuz of me the person was there. In fact before that night i didn't even speak to that person. I know what the person and his friend did was wrong, which i made sure they apologized to the 2 that they shouted at. I made one of them call the victims of the whole incident and apologized. I also said sorry, even though I know it wasn't my fault but cuz it was related to me and part of my problem. The 2 are ok with me, so why isnt this fwen of mine? He didn't even get shouted at, and I said sorry to him for the stupid things one of the idiots said.
I did the best I could do to fix what happened and things aregood between me and those two friends. What I didn't like was this brotherly fwen of mine doesn't reply my text, DELETED me off FB, doesn't talk to me when i approach him. What else does he want from me? I mean if i am wrong and you feel that way please do tell it to me on my face, a real friend would do that.
He knows what i go through everyday and how life can be so depressing for me, yet he can pull this kind of thing it hurts me. I feel worthless, as if my friendship wasn't worth it. Yeah may be trouble is always around me but not cause i ask for it, sometimes it just happens. I think negative things get attracted to me for some reason. All i want is for that person to come up to my face, tell me what wrong I am doing and i would accept it if its wrong. But I mean if I am wrong, then why not come and tell me? Why run away and not even look at me?
Well I'm hurt, yes I am. i didn't think the friendship was this weak, that it took one incident to make that person run away. ONE INCIDENT. Friendship isn't supposed to be that way. And I mean we are like brothers and sisters. You protected me from freaks, talked to me when i was down and made me laugh at the stupidest things.
Reason I am hurt is cause the way the person threw my friendship in the dustbin in a split second. My god.Yes it hurt me.
What ever is it, I hope the person realizes or at least lets me talk to him and ask him whats up.
Cuz I think I'm already having enough shit, I don't need more.
but for now, I am not going to bug the person...leave him be. If he wants to talk he will. Hey i tried hard enough I don't think I have to keep trying and making a fool out of myself and making the personnot talk to me even more innit?
But yeah bottom line, I am hurt( omg i have repeated this so many times already)...and I didn't expect this. I thought friendship was supposed to be better than that?
I might have to start moving people i care about out of my life, in case they get hurt...or atleast keeping them confused about whats going on with me. I have to ponder on this thought for a longer time though. I'm starting to see that there is something wrong with me may be? I don't know? hmmmm
I realized everything I am, and the darkness that is trying to engulf me...ends up trying to engulf people around me. Hence a shout out to all those people who are a part of my life right now. Start running away, before my unnecessary, burdening, complicated life gets to you. No I wouldn't blame you for running away, cuz i would love to myself..sadly i'm stuck in it and I have to make the best of it...So i love it no matter what happens. But you my dear friend have a choice?
Choose whatever makes you happy, after all If you are happy.. I am too :)
( a drink really does make all that bottled stuff inside to come out into the open haha)
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