My darling, who knew? =/

Today I woke up not too late and it was a normal day. Did the usual, breakfast some television and around 1.30pm I started studying, Physiology of the heart. I have to say i find it very very interesting and it has a nice sequence of event which are in proper order.Its amazing how this one organ the heart keeps us alive.

I had a break in between, after studying and when my head started hurting. And i sat and pondered about my life overall. From the time I became a teenager til now, an adult (after all I'm 21 and completely responsible for all my actions).

I've been through hard lessons in life where I learnt not to trust anyone but myself. Repeatedly I kept getting signs which told me this, BUT me being the dumbass or you could say brain-less person I am I always believed to see the greater good in people. But until today I've realised it hasn't really helped me in anyway but hurt me, But i still continue to do the same...why?
Thick headed you must be thinking? Well i don't know, its just who I am and I never saw it as a bad thing until recently where I always feel that I'm being taken advantage of all the time, and I always end up being hurt.

Its one thing when people who aren't related to you hurt you, yeah it hurts like a bitch but you can still wait and let the wound heal and pray that you don't bump into people like that in the future and we also have to be aware of the people we speak to and make sure that they aren't cunning assholes or sly bitches.

But when they are people who have the same blood running in their veins as you do, it isn't much of a wound that hurts and bleeds, its more like venom running through your blood, and slowly affecting every part of your body. Its like vomiting blood, body spasms, suffocation and every other painful thing all at the same time. Especially when all you've ever thought was to sacrifice your life and yourself for them cuz they mean so much more to you than yourself. But sadly, they would never understand...ever.

For the one who came 2nd, From childhood till now I took care of him. As a child when he needed protection I was there for him always. I've done so many things for him that I cant even remember, to heck with that i never even counted to be honest. He was a part of me a part of my soul. We have shared times full of tears and full oh laughter but now, he's forgotten everything and I'm still stuck in that time i presume. Yeah i know people grow up, but i did't expect people to grow up with hate towards me for no damn reason, only assumptions of what they think of me and assumptions of what i think and what i believe in. Firstly, No one noes what i believe in and how i am unless u have a cool and calm talk with me without fighting and forcing your beliefs onto me. For this one, thats impossible to do..its always an argument and a huge war...and it always has to do with the same things. Instead of talking so much, I wish he could just listen to what i have to say, and actually absorb it not put it in one ear and out the other! I've got so much more to say, but for now I;m sick of coping with the hate and accusations I've been given...so all I'm going to do is hope and pray to God that he thinks about what he says and has been saying to me and how much pain I've been put through and not just think how much pain he and his sidekick have been through.I feel everyones pain and ignore mine,maybe thats why all this while I've been hurting.

For the one who came 3rd, She was a good little kid and before I knew it she grew up, a little to fast i think. But that i cant blame her our life isn't exactly a bed of roses its more of a bed of thorns. But the lies that she has incorporated in herself to hide or whatever the reason, being fake towards your own flesh and blood is never going to get you anywhere. I was too one a kid and I also thought that my friends cared more than my family, but as i grew i saw that very few friends stay in your life for a lifetime the rest just come and go, but family stays forever. And yes eventhough she might be gifted, but the ego and selfishness just clouds her mind. She doesnt see that being grounded is what she needs to be. More than reading people and knowing about them, she should feel how they feel. Not just assume and think that she is always right. Well one thing i hate are lies and stories especially if they are unnecessary and end up hurting people.There is more to life than ego, good looks and always getting what you want,its more about what actions you do to be remembered and whether you're remembered for the good things you've done or the bad.I guess life's just like that.

I've got a heavy heart, with a huge load to live with. I feel it filling up and I'm just afraid  if it bursts. Now that wouldn't be good now...would it?

pain will always stay within me, and all you'll see are smiles and laughter!