My Only Wish is that I Die Real :)

Damn, this week has been well a real struggle. Reason being I was sick the whole week, in bed..Until today. Wasted a good holiday week, time to study and also couldn't go to the gym. Oh wells, I think cuz of being sick I've prolly lost weight or I look quite week. What I had, is going to remain a mystery. But it was 2 things at the same time..first a shitty infection and then freaking horrible period cramps. The pain of both infections got me so bad that I actually cried and cried. The meds dint work, i puked out all my food for 2 days. Couldn't drink, couldn't eat and couldn't even get up and walk around. I actually almost went to the hospital, but on Friday things got better..and I didn't think it was necessary. Trust me I can take a lot of pain physical, mental and emotional so this bloody pain was REAL bad for me to actually want to go to hospital.

But now I am getting better and I've never felt more lighter in a long time. I have a test on Monday, which I haven't fully studied for but right now I really am doing as much as I can. I should be able to pass. If i don't, tough luck then. Will try harder next time.

My current fave list of songs is :
1. Take care- Rihanna and Drake.
2. Nobody's business- Rihanna and Chris Brown
3. Goodnight Goodnight- Maroon 5
4. Daylight- maroon 5
5. Battle Scars- Lupe Fiasco and Guy Sebastian.

Damn do I love these songs, they put soul into me and bring me to life.

Sometime I wonder, whether people actually sit down to think about life. I mean, For the past 22 years, how I've been living my life, the deeds I've done, whether I've been an act or if I've always been who I am?
Don't most people sit down and think of these kind of things? Or are they too busy with materialistic things and work to be bothered.

I realized that not one day goes by where I recollect what I've done the whole day, see if I've been myself and how I can improve myself the next day. I mean I don't want to be a fake, neither do I want to pretend to be anyone else.

In life there are many decisions we will have to make, one of the major ones are to choose who you are or who you want to pretend to be. You have to pick a) to be yourself at all times or b) fit in with a crowd even if it means that isn't you.

I've always been myself, no matter what. I am proud of that, thought I have broken some of my principles in the past because of "LOVE" but heck, we learn from out mistakes and better ourselves for the future.

From the beginning, I've always told people how I am and who I am. Some of them can accept it and today have become my best friends and people I care about while others pretended to be my friends when they needed me and when my purpose was done, they just chucked me out. The connection of a good friend I only feel with a handful of people. The rest are just acquaintances and people who are just present and don't matter to me anymore. I've loved and I've lost and I've also cared about friends so much and gotten hurt in the end cuz they picked what was convenient to them over the right thing. My emotions have been used to make another feel better and my care has been misjudged. I used to get really upset and irritated in the past, now I just don't care and I'm so much happier.

I'll do as many good deeds as I can because I actually like helping people, I'll still be there for people who I care about and I'll basically be myself and I don't care if any person whats me in their life or not, cuz frankly My life doesn't revolve around anyone but myself. I am now happy with myself and my life. I love clinical's though I haven't got the hang of it completely yet, I love getting inspired by the different patients. I would write about it, but its confidential and only between my patients and I. I see so many people who are hopeful and so many people who only stay alive for the people they love :)

Which gives me a reason to keep going on. In the past I was negative and I wasn't satisfied with life and I wondered why all the bad things have to happen to me. Now I just look for the good things, ignore the bad, do what makes me happy whenever I want and be glad that I lived another day to inspire and to get inspired.

Some one actually told me, that I'm a strong person and that I'm special because what I go through and what I've survived could have turned me into a really nasty person like those typical girls who do typical things..but I still remain as myself. Another friends actually told me,
"chandni you probably don't know this or you probably don't get this a lot, but your amazing. You really are :) "

So after hearing all this from the nicest people, I'm just glad that I got inspired and I actually inspired others. I'm so happy that I actually make a difference. I want to be an excellent doctor one day and actually make a difference in the medical world :) I know for sure, I can :)

I just want anyone who actually reads the crap that I write to remember that, no matter how hard life gets always remember that when you survive the obstacle, you not only get inspired but you also inspire others. So keep going and don't let anyone change who you are in the process.Always be yourself regardless of what others think (unless your a nasty , rude and mean person!). Always keep your inner essence cuz at the end of the day, that is your signature. Don't let this vicious world change that essence to how everyone else portrays the world to be. Don't let the past experiences change your future and your impression on mankind. Cuz at the end of the day, mankind isn't that bad. you find one or two people who make you proud to say that you're human. I've met those few people :)

Hence, if all fails.. My only wish is that I die REAL. I don't want to be anyone else but ME!
( Even if it means I lose fake friends, lovers who want me to be someone else or family who doesn't care) haha