Its amazing, how one day you are feeling down...and the next day you feel like you've got all the power in the world :)
I've realised I've blogged about a lot of sorrow, but i tend to forget the little happy moments which make a lot of difference, which are the reasons why I am alive today. For some reason, today feels like a good day and I also feels like a change is going to happen. Usually I hate changes, being a true capricorn...Change is something i fear. But this change seems good :)
Today after a long time, I feel happy. Honestly, this amazing feeling of lightness, feels as if god lay a huge garden of roses in my hands. My heart feels better, I mind feels calmer and my soul feels fed. I just thought of the Kirtan i listened to the other day at the gurudwara.
For the first time ever, The kirtan's that were sung made me cry. I wanted to cry out loud. It was as if a dam inside me burst but i held the tears and kept a straight face. A few times, these tears sneaked out and poured down my face.Warm oh so warm they felt against my cold skin.They were not just tears, they were the pain I had held inside.
It had been a while since I've had tears of joy. These days, its mostly tears of sorrow, pain and helplessness. But these tears of joy, made me realize the bigger picture. For the past month or so, I stopped or lets just say lessened my prayers and talking to God. Me being a person who usually feels so close to God, felt like I was drifting. I felt as if I was a burden to the whole world, even to God. Everyone deserved better and didn't deserve someone like me. Hence, I drifted apart, like a boat which isn't tied properly to the harbour and it slowly drifts away into the endless and lonely sea.
But the kirtan, made me feel so enligtened again. Made me realise why i love and believe in God so much. I couldn't see anything that day(people say seeing is believing). But the amount of love and positive energy I felt was out of this world. It was as if, I was in heaven.I felt safe like a baby in a mothers arms being cuddled to sleep. My soul felt at peace and I felt this warmth that I hadn't felt in a long time. And then i remembered the reason for my faith.
I knew that very moment, it was a sign from God telling me that he's here for me. I am in his sanctuary and he will take away my sorrow. The words of the kirtan, were so connected to my life and how i felt that it was as if God spoke to me in the voice of others singing, it was as if the voices of people around me singing along were uniting to send me a message from God. And yes I understood, and i knew i had a reason to be here today. The beats from the tabla were hypnotizing as the finger tips of the player hit against the skin, it healed my soul slowly, made my heart beat at its pace. The melodious sound from the harmonium swung me in tune back and forth, made my hand tap against my knee with its rhythm. And the voice of the student from my uni, was as soft as butter and it melted through to my heart, decreasing the friction between each heartbeat making me breathe easier, as I inhaled and exhaled. The feeling is indescribable. To sum it all up, it was AMAZING.
The energy in there was so positive, its as if i got high on sugar and was so happy. Wait that isn't even how i felt. I felt uplifted. I felt like the heavy weight on my shoulders had lessened to the weight of a feather. When i left that place, I left a million tons of sorrow, pain, depression, helplessness and all other negative feelings behind. Yes, God had taken them...and shown me that I was not a burden to him and that I will never be :)
Its funny how one second you feel a certain way, and the next second things change. Now i feel like a tuxedo that went to the dry cleaners,came back clean and is ready to be worn again. I feel like an old rag which was dirty and stained but has been bleached clean to white. Yes i feel brand new. I feel stronger, emptied from that negativity and filled instead with strength to fight back, with all the positivity i have. The light from God.
Energy is something i am sensitive to. I pick up energies well like a sponge that soaks up water especially when I'm emotionally broken. But somehow, I feel like I've been given the strength. The focus i felt i had lost, Somehow has come back and I can study and enjoy it again. The thirst for knowledge is back, the hunger to make it out alive is running through me again. I have a test next week, and I know I'm going to ace it, I want to ace it and I will ace it. Mind is power. I'm fresh, I'm alive and my souls been repaired. I guess its all part of growing pains.
What ever's meant to be, will happen. The future is unwritten and so write it i have to take control of my present. I will do what ever is in my power to win the battle. The rest is in God's hands. I still remember there have been times when God has really really answered my prayers and shown me his love. I feel stupid now, that I ever even had the slightest doubt of him not loving me anymore cuz of the sorrow around me. Negativity has his effects, but as always it lost.
Even In the darkest room, there will be a small light and that is the hope that we all have which grows and soon brightens the whole room, illuminating it like the sun shining in the hot summer :)
a verse from the japji sahib, of guru granth sahib:
Even knowing God, I cannot describe Him; He cannot be described in words
The Guru has given me this one understanding:
there is only the One, the Giver of all souls. May I never forget Him!
As the bright sunlight, hits my face through my window at 7.30am, I smile and welcome the day ahead of me.
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