Woke up in the morning feeling kinda heavy headed,literally! I was contemplating on whether to attend the community medicine class and the 2 PPD lessons afterwards. Hmmm after a while, i forced myself to open my eyes and i dragged myself to the bathroom.
Once I got ready, I left to class. Music bursting in my ears ..
" Hey baby, you can be my girl, I can be your man
And we can pump this jam however you want...Oh baby baby..la la la la la la la "
Yup pitbull was what i was listening to, to make me wanna feel a little excited, a little in a good mood. I felt power as i walked down towards the building as a million nursing students passed by. Music of any sort which has a good beat, makes me feel good, makes me walk like I'm the queen of the world and everyone else is under my control, Its as if I've got nothing to worry about and i can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. But sadly the feeling only lasts for a while til i get to class and then is back to the same old thing...
The day started off pretty well, while the lecturer went on and on about a subject that isnt even REALLY a part of MBBS but about ethics that doctors should have, i managed to study infective endocarditis and Atherosclerosis :)
As the day went by, somehow I realized that small things started to annoy me. Usually nothing ever gets to me, I brush a lot of things off and am always happy at the end of the day. Sadly, this time that wasnt the case. I felt stupid for over-reacting to something so small, hence decided to just put a sock in it and as always, blasted music in my ears..
"Talk to me softly,
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Something is changin' inside you
And don't you know"
Yup Guns & Roses, Don't cry. For some reasons, the lyrics were perfect. I was trying to keep myself calm so that tears don't come out and yes i was holding my head in sorrow. Funny how the song you feel like listening to fits perfectly with a situation sometimes.
The day before, something had also annoyed me. "What could annoy her now?"
" My lord she's such a drama queen! Get over it"
Thats what your probably thinking, but weirdly it was something that just got to me for some reason. It was fake behaviour and personality of people around me. Being an over observant idiot that I am, I just had to start observing my class. And i was surprised how fake people can be.
At one side, there was a girl bitching about another girl, and I happened to hear what she said. No I was not eavesdropping, but the girl was kind of loud. I thought to myself, wasn't that the same girl who was bitching about the girl she is talking to NOW to me the other day?
Then I saw this girl, who happened to come up to me and ask me how my eye was, as if she were so worried cuz I was her best friend in the whole world kinda cliche way of asking..Did i mention this was the same girl who wanted me to play on when my eye got hurt? Well yeah, she is the same one. I felt sick to my stomach so i was normal, muttered a few replies to her and kind of walked off pretending i needed to do something.
It made me sick, to see how these fake people can keep acting, i mean come on you can't fake personalities. Life is not a theatrical show where you can pretend to be someone else and get praised for your role. I mean common, you act is going to wear off soon and people aren't blind. They just tend to "close one eye" as malaysians say.
I have to admit, sometimes when I don't like someone, I am extra nice to them or i behave as normal. I mean I am generally friendly and yeah always myself. Somehow i do not treat them different. It may look as if I am being fake. But you see, I am just being nice cuz i don't wanna cause a problem for myself, and i think I'm more mature than that. If i don't like someone I don't like someone and I keep that to myself I don't have to be a bitch to that person. I aint inhumane. But i think sometimes thats my weakness, hence I end up being too nice and being used at the end of the day. pathetic much?
What i do isn't faking a personality, I am always who I am...I m just not showing how i feel about a person. I don't fake care or have fake concern. I always care about everyone and i guess thats another weakness? May be that explains why I ended up wanting to do med.haha.
I aint a chameleon who changes colour depending on my surroundings. To be honest i can't stand that kind of behaviour. Just to fit in to a certain group a person pretends. Unacceptable. Being original, being unique is what sets a person apart, and a person should be proud of his or her characteristics that give them an identity.
The mask will come off one day, even if you do not want to take it off. Its human nature, we can only pretend to be someone else for a short period of time, our real self will catch up to us sooner or later.
I show who I am and what i believe in. The only thing I do not show are my feelings towards things in life.It isnt easy this life, and not everyone understands your feelings. Hence I end up hiding them..
Like how a Rabbit hides in a burrow.
The day finally ended, after a long dreadful pharmacology practical. I had a massive migraine i presume cuz of my eye.Relief was what i felt once i got back to my room and ate tuna sandwiches. Yup my lunch was late.
I do not know if being observant is a curse or a gift...but sometimes this very characteristic gets me to notice thing i wish I could just ignore.
Not that i don't have other things on my plate...I've got no more space left to put anything.
You know the irony of it all, I think my mask of hiding all my feelings, is slowly slipping off...may be cuz i can't take it anymore, may be cuz its a little too much for me to take. May be or may be not?
So will you care to share your space so I could put some of my stuff there? Nah, didn't think so.
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