Today my post is going to be a little different,I'm just going to say it as it is.Its long, a little sappy with an edge and brutally honest. So if people who read this get bored, don't waste your time..just close the window :)
Well I don't understand why someone calls and makes it seem that they care and mind-fuck a person for no reason, when on the exact same day the same person calls someone else and asks them out, giving a choice of which car he should bring to pick the other person up. To be honest I am disgusted. Not only with the person, but with myself.
I mean I must be either stupid or completely out of my mind to actually do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Reality is NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE. you know why, cuz some people think they are living life the way they want to, little do they realise time flies and before they know it they'll be old and notice that they have gained nothing in life. Two words- GROW UP!
I hate myself more than anything,self loathe is what i have for myself and trust me it isn't easy to look in the mirror. Reason being I pick another persons happiness over mine. I mean even if the person doesn't deserve one ounce of niceness, I still am nice even though afterwards I am in complete pain, torn apart and hurt.period. What can i say, I'm a hazard to myself,don't let me get me!
I cannot believe after all that has happened I still believed there is a little decency and a little soul in that person. BUT BOY I WAS WRONG! I hate myself for having too much faith in people when they repeat their actions again and again and again....nothing changes. Selfish is what you call a person, who makes himself happy regardless of what the other person feels.
I gave my all and everything, soul wise and what did I get in return? Accusations, people laughing at me and my friends telling me what a prick that person is. I used to back it up and say how they don't see the other side, but now i think to myself was there ever another side? cuz from whats happening that side seems,dead and gone..forever. I'm just going to shut up now, there isn't a point to stand up..cuz the person just doesn't deserve it.
Lately for some reason, lots of men are attacking me. Not only do they make me feel cheap even though i don't dress hoochie, act hoochie or even do things cheap hoe's do...but some men never fail to amuse me with their stupidity.
I was dumb to think, that those calls were ONLY made to me, and that i actually meant something. I now know I'm just one of those "those" from the 10 other girls that get called. thats what drunk nights are about innit, showing you have balls and flaunting their manhood. Sorry to say, I now feel that I'm more man...cuz i do everything sober and I say it as it is. The person probably thinks, I'm one of them hoe's who he wants to get lucky on that particular night BUT let me tell you all one thing, it takes more than a honda, cash and a big dick to get me..cuz none of these matter. Its the purity of the heart and soul. nothing else.
Like I've been told before, I'm unique like from a different planet...maybe like a shooting star.So our wavelengths are different.
I know i deserve better, and I know what I am doing to myself is just not acceptable.why am i STILL doing the same mistake? Holding on to memories that can never be lived again. Not cuz i don't want them to be re-lived but cuz I cannot except a person to realise anything,until its all too late. I thought that person was different but now I think I'm stupid and gullible. Yes please screw me sideways, slap me, tie me to an electric chair, whip me..BUT PLEASE GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS TO ME! i need to stop having faith...cuz when ever i do, i get let down. Its not once, not twice but three times.And oh boy, did i mention it burns as if i;m on fire, bleeds like a bullet wound and hurts like a broken bone? I've been fooled by a wolf in sheep's clothing,yet i always go back for more! I've been decieved but yet i never doubt the words said, I make myself become the victim and easily accept the abuse,when will i learn?
Alot of guys have asked me out lately. Punjabi, indian , malyalee, persian...but I'm honestly not interested and i won't be for a long time.I can't say the same for others, cuz some people keep calling everyone for a hangout/lunch, even to people who they know might come and tell a little birdy. I mean seriously, Are you really that thick headed or is this a blonde act? I suggest dye your hair blonde and i wouldn't ever blame you for any stupid things you've done.Cuz that would explain A LOT!
Let me put it out this way, I'm hurt, upset, self-loathing for self-inflicting everything. Call me a masochist, cuz frankly speaking i wouldn't be surprised if I am. I'm not worth anything and i don't think anyone wants such a burden. maybe thats why its hard to let go like that, cuz there was one person who didn't mind helping out with the burden.
I know i shouldn't pick up, cuz its going to hurt real bad afterwards and there are long-term effect...yet I still do it. So i can't play the blame game. Who is to be blamed? YES ME,ONLY ME! I feel suffocated in my body sometimes, Life seems very worthless at times. Ending it would be easier but I aint a coward, I'm a fighter and i wanna get this bitch by the tail and Win the fight hands down.
Nothing ever seems to go the way I want it to go. I wish i was in a fairytale WOAHHH WAIT A MINUTE!!! fairytales aren't real, the same way love isn't. Today when i was sitting and thinking as time flew by, I realised i have to put a stop to all this. Its either that, or I'm going to end up in an asylum with a serious mental problem. My sanity is at question here.
I'm not going to pick up the calls anymore, cuz i realised they mean nothing. They are a time pass, a way to amuse them and enjoying the fact that someone is still stuck over you. It feeds the ego and the demons within doesn't it? Love the fact that someone still has some sort of faith, feeling whatever you call it innit? The hungry demons get happy to see that they are doing great, getting what they WANT while the other person gets tortured? Hmmmm that makes me sick, but not as sick as i make myself. I know exactly what the person thinks at that moment, cuz I know my happiness can be sensed, But the minute the line cuts, I know that was like a advert to a movie that never is going to happen, and yes there definitely isn't going to be a happy ending there, cuz there isn't such thing!
I have this terrible disease, its called CURIOUSITY. I want to know what exactly is in that little head. The thoughts, the emotions everything for the actions that a person does. But i know I'll never know, heck i can't read minds...so what makes me think that a call will quench my curiousity? Dumb chandni Dumb, now i should go and dye my hair blonde.
I hate being helpless towards the situation I am in, and I know that that person knows. But even after knowing me so well and so much, the fact that the person can still hurt me so much in the past and even now, puzzles me.Parts of my soul was given to the person trusting that he/she keeps it with his life, but little did i know my soul was to be mocked, thrown around and played with. I mean I've sacrificed my happiness for another and yet i get blamed?Very few would understand completely who I am, and if they do they are all gems and I'm grateful. Others seem to judge and just cuz of a whole end to a chapter, think that I;d be like every other girl in the past...A BITCH!
I aint like them, cuz I've got a solid heart and an even more solid soul. I don't think like many girls and i think alot of you know that. And so do YOU. Whatever it is, Ignorance is now bliss. Cuz if i don't ignore, I'm hurting myself and feeding another ego...I can't stand injustice. I'm going to be selfish and try to find happiness, cuz if i don't...I'll lose my sanity. Especially with whats happening in my life.
Now I'm waiting to tell the person off, if there is a next call. If there isn't then great. BRAVO!
I'm not cheap, I'm not materialistic, I'm not fussy, I'm not Bitchy unless I'm forced to be, but yet i get treated like every other girl in your book.
"they say if you want to see a lost puppy who's lost his favourite bone, go look at him"
"And you told me how you're feelin'
But I don't believe it's true anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye"
"Sound like broken records
Playin' overBut you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane"
"Next time
There will be no next timeI apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back"
"run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths "
I never said i could read minds, but I always said I'm psychic, I can some how still see your tainted soul and it tells me a story which i know I'll never hear from your mouth. Hence the song lyrics, you get what i mean? And i hope you get out of my head and out of my dreams cuz I'm really getting sick of the whole thing. I cant be at peace when I'm awake and nor can i be at peace when I'm asleep, cuz all i see are stupid dreams with that face.its about time someone shoots a bullet through my head and puts me at rest.
I'm out!
2 comments:
This is a beautiful rant! Poured out everything that was piled up in your heart.
You're not dumb - it's normal for anyone to feel such way especially when it involves a person who knows our weakness and probably is the weakness. Of course you deserve better and much better. Never settle for 2nd best.
Sometimes we all wish we could wipe out some memories that keeps haunting us.. but we can't and got to live with it and you could exchange or replace them with newer ones :)
You are worth everything and nothing for some people. But you'd be surprised about how there are people who would want to share your burden. Rare but there are.
You are a fighter and even when everything don't go the way you want it, don't give up. There is more to it than just what we perceive just like you would tell people that there's 2 sides of a story.
There are people who loves to see us hanging on to them even when they have clearly moved on. There are people who takes pleasure from our pain. And there are times when you know what you're getting yourself into but you still do it - I do it myself. I guess it's because you just feel there's a lil' hope there.. hope that it might turn out as you want it.. but it never will.
For all the hurt and pain you go through... it will only make you stronger.
You are treated such way cause they just can't understand you.
hey this is me chandni, wow. whoever you are, that is the sweetest things i;ve heard in a while and thank you for actually understanding between he lines of the pain i've felt. clearly there arent many people who would.
Thank you, i just saw this comment. i would love to know who you are though! :)
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