To be honest, its been a while where i have written down about my feelings.most of the time its about where i went and wat i did..fun stuff. Right now i cant sleep, i have the wrost stomach pain in the world and i have no idea why! Thank god i own a blog...or elz i would so go crazy!
Lately other than the usual crap i think about, i've been thinking about friendship.
As hard as it is to admit, Once u've had a best friend and then u lose them..you can never have a best friend again. Atleast thats the case for me. I didnt lose my best friend, infact my best friend lost me. But sumhow that particular gap in my heart can never be filled again with another person. Its funny how we humans are so filled with positivity to forget bad experiences but yet its hard for us to move on. I've made many friends ever since and sum real close friends who are so genuine but i just never made another best friend. cuz i cant take the pain when it all ends in the end. Nothing last forever...does it?
People change, just freaking accept it CHAND. I lost my best friend due to change. I jus couldnt accept the change my best friend was going through cuz to me...it jus wasnt the right kind of change.Trust me to most it wouldnt be. I learnt to forgive and forget, its always been in me to do that. after almost practically living together you cant just forget someone like that just cuz you havent seen them for 9 months or so. The other day, We suddenly came face to face. And oh boy... i was starled. I swear i wanted to smile my big fat grin and say HI!! as loud as i could have..ran over and given a big hug. But i was so shocked i didnt really know wat to do or say. I wanted to say hi, to be polite...but then i thought..why doesnt she say hi? why should i?
guess this is where my ego comes in..but then again i was always the one hu made the first move..not this time buddy. So wat did i do? i turned around and walked out. I swear i felt like a fool,i could feel all my blood rush to my cheeks cuz i swear i was blushing cuz i really felt like a fool. my heart was beating so fast!Next thing you know she went away.
Later that day i heard she said, i looked at her like i had a ghost. HAHAHAHA i laughed. If your reading this..it wasnt cuz u looked like a ghost but cuz i was jus so shocked!dint mean to freak out like that. BUt oh well it happens.Not one day ever goes by where i dont think of her. i mean come on i can never stop caring..i always have and always will. I've done alot for her..things she knows about and she doesnt. But does it matter? no. To the world..or shall i say to her world i am the bad person and always be til the day that i die. But yet again...no one noes my story, or how i felt. who could i have talked to...my best friend? Well for a fact.....she was the one i was up against.
Its funny how she's moved on so fast, cuz whenever i met her sister.. i never failed to ask how she was doing and wat are her plans. NO i dont ask cuz i wana bitch bout her(if she REALLY knew me well enuf she would know that)...but i ask cuz i truly care. Whatever she heard in the past about me calling her things.. i cant believe she actually believed it. if she had really known me(her best friend) she would have known what i would say and what i wouldnt say. but did she? You've guessed it..NO!
Nothing matters anymore,cuz i am not going to put myself thru this whole thing AGAIN,cuz its one of the things that have hurt me the most throughout my life...after my granny's(beji) death. Its over once and for all...atleast for now. But where ever she is, I am glad she's happy and always smiling. God bless her and may he show her the right path.And i also hope that she has learnt something from me sacrificing our friendship(it wasnt easy...AT ALL), cuz i did it only to make her learn a lesson which no one elz would have dared to teach her. But til today i dont know if she ever got the message...cuz she should have read between the lines.
Its like a corner in ur house. There is a beautiful vase there for decoration. It just brings out that corner. BUt all of a sudden that vase breaks. You buy another one, but its different. You cant put it there cuz it doesnt bring out the corner lyk the previous one did. Nothing will ever make it the same!
My lil sister asked me, who would ur maid of honour be? I paused and thought for a second...and i seriously didnt noe hu besides that particular person. I told her and she was so shocked and told me i was stupid to bother bout such people especially people who dont give a shit about me. To be honest i was but i cant help it. thats just me.
But one thing for sure...deep deep down inside her heart..behind all those smiles, frowns, shouting moments...she feels exactly the same way i do. Why? well she was my best friend and i know her just too well. She isnt heartless.she probably does feel the same we were practically like twins....maybe she just isnt as open.
I jus wish she would see what i see in her. i miss her and will always miss her regardless of who she has become. I miss the person I knew her as!
Your probably thinkin..."oh my god, can this get anymore emo?"
well i have an answer for that...yes it can! but i m not goin to let it...haha!
One thing for sure, i still kind of have that connection where if she's going to a place where i am or if she's at a place where i am...i can feel her. Its hard to explain. But she would know at i mean! atleast i hope so!
HOPE AND FAITH...both these words go together....
and i believe where there is faith there is hope.
never lose hope!
Well thats all from me, i'm out!
PS: who ever reads this,its not a post i wrote to piss people off, but its a post where i put down my emotions from my heart. So please dont start any controversies! thank you =)
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